Trials

I guess a journey of faith must require tests, trials, hiccups in the road to truly be a faith quest. We have this past weekend felt the weight of trials as we have learned that each journey will have it's own detours. Wednesday, we met with the people who are involved in Joshua and Jeremy's world. The foster parents, the caseworkers and us. In the two hours we met and learned all there is to know about the boys, the emotional anguish of the foster family was more than apparent. This couple love Joshua and Jeremy with the depth that comes from raising two little boys for two years. Nathan and I were emotionally exhausted as we were divided to another room to speak with our caseworker. The first question I asked as the door shut was, "Are they going to be able to let these boys go?" We were assured they have had months to make the decision to keep the boys and they had continually said they were not willing. We saw pictures of the boys from their infancy on, we found a little piece of artwork that said, "God Makes Families." We told our caseworker we were more convicted than ever that these were our boys. We left with the month of November full of visits and plans signed by us and the foster family.My heart was full of love and joy, but my brain was tired and I typed the words "Emotionally Exhausted" to my dearest friends.

I guess on the 29th, we prepared ourselves to meet the boys for the first time--we were nervous about the awkwardness of meething with the distraught foster parents, but overwhelmed with excitement to meet the boys...our boys. I went to Walmart to make an activity bag of toys, puzzles and books for us to take with us. I anguished over each purchase, would they like this, would they like us--as if each gift was a piece of us they would accept and love or reject and dislike.

We woke up early on Friday, Nate went into work early so he could take the afternoon off to meet our boys. I got up showered and sat in my closet--what to wear, what to wear....then the phone rang. When Noah said, "Mommy, it's Miss Fonda," tension feeled my heart....the knowledge of what she was going to say came to the surface of my heart and when she began to talk, I knew before she uttered the words what she was going to say "The foster family can not give up the boys. They are going to adopt them. My knees grew weak and I could hardly respond as my heart began to churn. I am on a see saw of practicality and emotion "This is what is best for the boys. It is all about the boys. This is the only home they know. Those people are who they know as Mommy and Daddy"...up....."Those are my boys....who are they to take my boys...they had their chance, those selfish, selfish people. They can not love these boys as much as we can. Why is this happening?".....down......


I am overwhelmingly disappointed. My head is reeling in the aches and whys and what nows....but we are not defeated. We know God has a plan.

Prayer for the day:

Why God? Why did this happen? Why were we given this gift just to have it torn from us? We do not understand. We want to understand. Help us understand. I know God you can change hearts and minds and our prayer is you change the heart of this family. Bring our boys back to us. We want to provide them a home, we want to share with them the blessings you have provided. We know you know what is best and if it is best for the boys to stay in their current home, we will respect that, but our desire is for them to be with us. We know you can make that happen. Lord, give us peace. Give us directon. Show us your glory Lord. We love you, we fear you and we know you are in control--even when what we see around us makes no sense.

In the name of Jesus we pray...Amen.