Friday, July 30, 2010

You'ses House

There is no easy way to hear the words of a three year old saying, "I am not happy because I am at you'ses house." The reality is I know she is not happy. If I were in her place I would not be happy. But it does not take the sting away. When we were in training classes there was an exercise they had us do ( I am sure I have written about it earlier, but I am too tired to go find it right now) where the teachers had us close our eyes and go on a journey. I want to take you on this journey, but don't close your eyes--it will make it hard to read what I want you to do.

Imagine you are sleeping in your bed. You are living a life that is familiar to you. You are in the only bed you have ever known, living with the only family you have ever known. You don't know any other life than the one you have, so you don't know if you have a good life or a bad life, it is just your life. You are awakened by strangers in the middle of the night. Police officers are screaming at your family. You are grabbed by a strange person and told to grab a few things. You are not given a chance to get an explanation. Your family is screaming and crying for you, but the strangers won't let you go to them. You are placed in a strange car and are driven away from your home. There is no explanation for why you are being taken from your family. You turn to see what is behind you and there is nothing and no one there.

You are taken to a new house. It is a beautiful house. It is clean and full of all the nicest things. The refrigerator is full of food like you have never seen before. The people there are acting like they know you. They want to hug you and kiss you and tell you how much they want you to be there. How do you feel? Do you want to go back home? Do you want to return to your spouse? Your life? Now these new people insist you call them family. They give you new clothes, they have you sleep in a new room. How long before you stop longing to be with your family? Just because these other people are willing to give you things are you wanting to be a part of their family?

Imagine they will not let you see your family, you can not talk to your family, you have none of your favorite items. This family lives a very different life than you are used to. Are you comfortable? Do you want to be there? What if they allowed you to see your family for two hours a week? How would you react when they said, sorry it is time for you to leave again? Would you be happy to be there?

The reality is that no one would be happy to be there.....but it sure does sting when a little voice is telling you her unhappiness is taking up residence in your home with her.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dear Birth Mother,

It seems strange to me that someone I have only met once and will only see for minutes a week can have such a profound effect on my thoughts. There are few minutes to pass before I am contemplating you, your situation and how you could live in such a way that your precious little ones are living at my house instead of yours. They are precious and precocious and perfect. They are sad and scared and sick from not being old enough to understand why strangers pulled them from your arms and placed them in mine. They cry at night as I put them to bed begging to go home, wanting "Mommy and Daddy." Imagine the confusion that must be going on in their heads when sentences like, "Mommy, (meaning me) I want to go home and see my Mommy (meaning you)" Imagine my confusion when they hurt or are sad and they cry out for "Momma" and I don't know if it is me they want or you.

You should know I don't believe it to be God's plan for me to raise your children. He entrusted them to you. He made them to look like you and their Daddy, to share special natural likenesses in tastes and mannerisms. He gave these children to you as a precious gift to love and cherish so you could feel in a very minute way the love He feels for you. It is not His plan for you to live your life in such a way your own children can not be with you. He wants you to love them. But I believe, it is His plan for me to raise them if you refuse to take care of His gift. Please know I have no doubts in my mind I could love these children as if they were my own flesh and blood if you refuse to do whatever it takes to be what they need.

My heart's request is for you to choose quickly and make a solid commitment to either be the best mother you can be for these children by removing the demons from your life or be the best mother you can be for these children by removing yourself from theirs. Please do not make these children spend years of their childhoods bouncing back and forth between you and your demons. Please don't let them know they have come 2nd or 5th or 100th in your life, but instead let them know you love them first and foremost. Whether that is by using the time they are with me to improve yourself, your life, and your situation and never looking back in the direction from which you came or if by realizing you never will and letting them go...please don't selfishly hurt them for your own needs.

I pray for you hourly, I am trying so hard not to judge you. I love your children.