It has been an emotional day. Just when I think I am over the hump, emotion hits me when I am not expecting it. At church today I realized I am mourning the loss of the boys, but also I am struggling with doubt for the first time in my life. I have never had trouble believing, I have not always acted as a believer should, but I have always had a simple faith, it came easy to me. I guess maybe it is not a lack of faith, but a lack of trust. This lack of trust or faith or whatever it is, is making me feel horrible. I feel guilty, but it is what I am feeling. I keep praying, "Lord I believe, forgive my unbelief." But the nagging lack of trust is adding to the emotional tsunami that hits me. I want to trust. I need to trust. I don't want to be sad anymore.....my eyes hurt.
A guest speaker had us close our eyes today before we closed in prayer and said take a moment and see what your next step in your relationship with God is....I sat there with my eyes closed, visualizing and all I saw was nothingness. He spoke of how no matter your hurt, no matter your addiction, your problem, Jesus was wanting to heal you, love you, sustain you....and all I could think was, "Yeah, but..."
I have thought of this all night. I feel like I am wrestling the devil and he has me pinned down...but I am going to fight and I think the only way to win is by letting go. I think I am still holding on to my wants and not just letting go and feeling the comfort of God. Instead of drawing near to him, I have been angry he did not intervene--even when I have prayed that if this was not in our or the boys best interest it would be defeated. Once again I want to be in control and now in this moment I want to be in control of God. He did not do what I wanted Him to do, so I have pushed Him away and have dealt with this grief on my own. Not wise. I think my last entry I even said, "I have decided to feel better." as if I can control the length of my grief, the depth of my hurt. Why do I want to deal with this alone? I keep thinking of the song "HELD" and I want to say "this is what it means to be held." But I have to let go of me to feel that comfort. Why do I hang on?
Tomorrow FW is coming to talk with us about the "what next". I am scared.
Prayer for the day: "Lord I believe, forgive me my unbelief. If I let go, will you catch me? I need your comfort. I need your peace. Please let your Spirit come upon me and renew me again. I know you are able to accomplish what concerns my heart. Lord, entreat me to let go of my control and fall into your hands. I am scared. I want to move forward. Lord let my life be for your glory. Because of Jesus, Amen.
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What a beautiful song. Sara, have you ever heard of a woman named Laura Black? She's Janet Marquis' cousin (from PF) and she has a journal on Caringbridge. She has cancer and she's journaling her daily walk. She is so inspiring to me. She just journaled about a talk she gave on fear. Check out gracechelsea.org and click on the Ten lessons in handling fear (on the right). Maybe it'll help. Letting go is so hard. I have prayed so many times...Lord I believe, please help my unbelief. He knows your heart. The Spirit hears and interprets our sighs. Don't fight it. Just be. You don't have to know your next step. He is in control. His ways and His thoughts are not ours. Don't try to figure it out. Just let Him handle it. My thoughts and prayers are for you today. Just take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Sometimes that's all we can do.
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