Friday, December 11, 2009

December 11, 2009

I still have not called Fonda to let her know we are not going to consider C for our family. I have meant to call her everyday since December 1. I just can not seem to bring myself to call say out loud, "No, I don't want this child," is difficult for me and so in a truly cowardly way, I am practicing the art of avoidance. But today I am going to call. I am going to say those words and I am confident in the truth that C is just not "our" little boy. I guess he will be another boy we are intended to pray for, we will add him to the list with Joshua and Jeremy.

As I was laying in bed this morning, I was reprimanding myself for my lack of courage and confirming to myself that we will not be able to get to our child unless I take this step. I find myself talking to myself and to God almost simultaneously these days. "Lord, give me strength. Self, get up and be strong." "Lord, help me understand. Self, walk in faith, not understanding." Part of the problem is that I am talking to myself more that I am talking to God.

This time of year I start to really think about what goals I am going to be setting for myself and for our family for the next year. There are many items of self improvement I have planned for myself. But I have realized if I could just step out of the way and let God work in my life, He would accomplish far more than I can do. This is difficult for a girl with control issues....but essential for a girl who wants nothing more than to be transformed and walk in faith.

***UPDATE: I called FW and left a message. She sent me an email stating she would be out of the office the rest of the day due to a funeral (we have a mutual friend who died on Monday) and she will call and we will chat on Monday.

Prayer for the day:
Lord, I have faith in you. I believe you can transform me and I believe you will. Lord, lead us where you want us to go and we will follow. We are preparing our home for you to fill it with the child or children you feel need us and that we need. Lord, in your time, let it be.

Because of Jesus,

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