tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83076838456670653532024-03-13T12:58:35.595-07:00A Journey of FaithFor you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Romans 8:15-17Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-77262561146810447392013-07-15T15:20:00.003-07:002013-07-15T15:21:52.888-07:00
<i>I found a handful of blog posts I wrote but never published. Thought I would add them in so the story would be complete.</i>
It is coming up on 10:00. I am tired and I have a "to list" that should be grabbing my attention, but I have so much in my mind and heart I decided to let it find it's way onto paper and maybe free me up a bit.
I suppose every journey is meant to have a predetermined destination. In this journey, the destination has always been to adopt a child who needed a home. Four years ago we began this wild voyage. I never dreamed four years would pass before we found our way to the destination, but the timing, as God's always is, was perfect. As I prepare for tomorrow, I find myself a mixture of overwhelming calm and misty-eyed excitement. It is the feeling of a tired peace, a completion and a beginning simultaneously occuring. In the activities our lives are forever changed, but our daily reality will be no different tomorrow than today. It is a strange occurence.
I sat and chatted with Emma and Jordon and asked them how they were feeling about things and Jordon surprised me when he said, "I am just a little sad we don't do visitiations anymore." I asked Emma if she was sad and she said, "Sometimes, but mostly I am just really happy." What more could you ask for from the circumstances? I have tried to think of the complexity of the emotions these little ones will be feeling in this transition from Muratovic to Jones. Will we ever know exactly what their thoughts and feelings entail? Could I begin to be able to understand what tomorrow will mean to them? In the big picture my wish is that as we stand before the judge committing to be their forever family, Emma and Jordon will be covered in security and love. I hope they feel full of belonging and family. I know for them to grab on to being a Jones with both hands they must let go of the last part of being a Muratovic, giving up their name, the last identifying mark of the life they used to know. I don't want to forget that there will be some sense of loss in the letting go, but I certainly hope the celebration is much sweeter in comparison.
This journey looks nothing like what I thought it would. It was not the warm fuzzy picture of all white with a soft vignette glow around the corners. It was hard and at times dark. There were moments turning back was desired and the looking forward seemed too far off to continue. Looking back from where we have come, I see each uphill climb, storm weathered, delay and frustration only made the moments of joy, love and laughter that much more vibrant in their intensity. I have learned so much about myself, Nathan, and our marriage. I know so much more about Noah, Macy and Molly. I have learned to ask for help, well sort of, and how supportive my inner circle can be. I have realized that loving someone, even a child, sometimes doesn't come easy, but is always worth the work. I have learned more than I care to know about social government with its flaws, but found comfort from it's employees. I have learned that children can live whole lifetimes before they are three. And that being a mother of five children is the best job in the world.
Nathan Jones has been all things I knew he was and more in this journey. He is and has always been a hands on father, never shying away from diapers, potty training, ponytails or hugs and snuggles. Loving these kids with such ease and tenderness, he showed them God in all his ways. Six months into this journey, with the trials of raising children who had suffered agregious circumstances not knowing if the conflict and toll it was taking on each individual in our family emotionally would be rewarded with permanency, our marriage was battered and tried. Even in the midst of the valleys, I could see the strength of this quiet man whom I adore and though tested and in need of some recovery, I find that as we reach the end of this portion of our journey we are better than ever, more connected and more assured of the strength of our commitment to each other. I could write volumes of the appreciation and admiration I have for Nathan, but it really comes down to this: there is no one more loving and good than Nathan Jones. No one.
It is easy to dismiss what tomorrow will mean for Noah, Macy and Molly. I don't know how to say well just how proud I have been of the three of them in this journey. They all three have made HUGE sacrifices for us to make Emma and Jordon a part of our family. Besides the time that has been divided, which in and of itself is significant, these children have been exposed to, confronted with, and at times overwhelmed by the effects that child abuse and neglect have on children and their ability to relate to others. For eighteen months these three shared their home, their parents, and their hearts with children who were not their siblings. They loved Emma and Jordon understanding that they were putting their hearts on the line because we were not assured permanency. In the last six months, when we felt more comfortable in the future of the children, they celebrated the gift of their new brother and sister. The three of them have taken on many responsibilities with Emma and Jordon without complaint and their help and service to them and to me is priceless. I am so proud of the compassion and love they have showed from day one. It thrills me that they are counting the days down to this adoption with anticipation and joy. I am so impressed by the people they are and so thankful for their kind and sweet hearts.
Becoming the mother of Emma and Jordon has been a two year, 1 month and 9 day process. Being motherly to them came instantly, falling in love with them took very few days, becoming committed to them the small side of a week. Tomorrow we will be at a cross roads in this journey. We will look at them, our friends and our family and say you are ours forever. Praise God for setting us on this journey and seeing us to it's completion. Please rejoice with us in the introduction of Emma and Jordon Jones.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-43217450232165173792013-07-12T07:32:00.000-07:002013-07-12T09:17:47.458-07:00Three Years LaterThree years ago this weekend our family of five became a family of seven. We did not understand on July 14, 2010 how profound the decision to foster Emma and Jordon would be to our lives. On that day, when I received the call about a little boy and girl who had just been removed from their home, my heart was not prepared for what it was about to face. In walking down the stairs to where the children were being kept, I thought I had all the answers. I was fully trained after all--a seasoned mother of 11 years with 11 weeks special training. I was rich in naivete and zealous with good intentions.
When I think on myself in those days, I laugh at the innocence of my thinking. It is similar to looking back on my pregnancy with Noah when I felt that reading all the books and taking all the right classes would result in me being a perfect mother, with a perfect baby, living a perfect life. I was foolish enough to think such a thing existed. In my foolishness, I thought that in taking in Emma and Jordon, we would have all the answers. I did not realize I could not even begin to imagine all the questions.
In contemplating the three years since, I am moved by the times I have failed. To share the times I have wronged not only Emma and Jordon, but Noah, Macy and Molly--might as well throw Nathan and our dog Lucy in there too, would require volumes. This process of being a mother is a magnifying glass to my weaknesses. It is humbling. It is the thing reality is made of. In looking at all the things we could have done differently, I am made aware that this is the thing that makes a family. It is the failings mixed with the subsequent grace and mercy which glues imperfect people together into a perfect unit. I don't love my family because we have it all together...my love would be very limited by such nonsense, but instead because we together are figuring it all out.
Three years ago, our family was challenged. Not by the addition of two beautiful children, but instead we were tested by the lie of perfection. My children misbehave, my marriage is not perfect, I hate to clean the house, and we eat out way too often because I don't want to cook. Those things are not because we have five children; it is because we are human. But in the midst of the mess, I see God creating and transforming us, making us new. And that is why this journey of faith continues on. Three years ago, Emma and Jordon moved from a broken home into a family of broken people. Broken people who still fall prey to the illusion of having all the answers. But the only answers I know for sure are that these people I love and call family are a treasure and that the God who gave them to me is good, all of the time.
Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-90899763617076448242012-05-08T09:32:00.000-07:002012-05-08T14:01:17.978-07:00Thursday, May 3rd, Nate and I went to the courthouse to be with Emma and Jordon's parents as they signed the paperwork where they voluntarily giving up their rights to the children. We were there for about 45 minutes before they were called back to the courtroom. I was glad to see the confidence in the kid's mom as she spoke with us. She seemed to be at peace in her resolve to do what she thought was best for the children. She was very nervous and her constant chatter was the tell tale sign of her anxiety, yet in that anxiety she seemed more confident than I had ever seen her. It was a great paradox. Her mother was with her and when we exchanged pleasantries with her, she could not speak. You could see the pain in her face and after a few minutes she had to leave the building. We did not see her again that morning. The children's father said hello to us and that was the extent of our conversation with him before their time in the courtroom. He has always been more emotional than the mother and less likely to engage in conversation with us.
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I found myself listening to descriptions of the children from their mother's perspective and realized I could not recognize the children she was describing. There were moments of recognition, but over and over again she would talk of personality traits that seemed beyond what I have experienced over the past two years. How could we know such different children? Were her memories of the children distorted from time past? Were the children that changed by the circumstances of being removed from their family? I guess we will never know. I imagine these questions fall in the realm of nature and nurture and will never be fully understood.
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They were called into the courtroom and Nathan and I waited in the hallway. We are not allowed in this closed court. We waited, discussing the new rules of age for 401K's and discussing the idea of refinancing our home; topics that were not important to us but words to speak as we waited, wondering if when the pen went to the paper, the kid's parents would do what they said they would. The father walked out passing us by clearly on a mission to get out of the building as quickly as possible. He looked at us for only a moment. Nathan stood and followed him to the elevator. He shook his hand and promised we would take great care of the children. Their father hugged Nathan and then fell apart just as the elevator opened. He turned and entered the elevator and didn't look at us again.
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A few minutes passed before their mother walked out of the courtroom. She was crying, but still seemed to have a confidence in her decision. We embraced and I thanked her for loving her children enough to give them up. She tightened her grip around my shoulders and wept. We waited for the children's caseworker to say it was all complete and we all shared the elevator down. The last discussions were of the goodbye visit and what we would all mutually say to the children. We agree the children need to see consistancy and cooperation with us all. We agree the goodbye visit will be celebratory and focused on the children beginning a new chapter in their life. Then she asked if we will change the children's last name. She said she thought they would like being Joneses, she just wanted to know what names to look for in the paper for achievements. As we left I felt compelled to tell her how much I appreciated what she had chosen to do and how what she must be experiencing was not taken lightly by Nathan nor me. And then there were a few awkward moments before we finally left.
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Once home we sat and talked with Emma and Jordon, explaining we had been to the courthouse and that their parents had decided they thought it would be best for us to be their parents and the judge agreed. The kids listened and Emma absorbed our words. And then she melted. She became very upset and just cried and cried. For about fifteen minutes we held her and allowed her to feel what it was she needed to feel. She calmed herself down and then wiped her face. She looked up into our faces and wanted to know if she could tell the Jones kids that she was going to be adopted. Then she jumped off Nathan's lap and ran upstairs to tell the kids that she was going to be a Jones. Nathan and I discussed that night after all the children were in bed how we hated to see her suffer and cry, but we were so glad she responded the way she did. She responded in a healthy way. She felt sadness and then recovered and was happy. Such healthy emotional responses are not overlooked when parenting children who have been faced with multiple traumatic events in their lives.
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Tomorrow afternoon the children will meet with their biological parents one last time to say goodbye. I don't know what to expect from this visit. I can't imagine how any of the four of them will respond. I don't look forward to seeing the kids go through the pain I anticipate will come from the day. But I believe with all my heart that just like the pains of childbirth, these pains allow for a new life that is full of promise and hope. I hope that such a goal is not only for the children, but their parents who will be given a fresh start as well.
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After the visitation, we will take Macy to drop her off for her trip to Europe. This blog has run on the metaphor of a journey and when I think of the simultaneous journeys of all the individuals in our home, converging and detouring from each other, I see days like tomorrow, which will hold the ups and downs of life and realize that the same faith that we have held to in this journey will sustain us as we move forward to a new chapter, is the same faith that gives us peace as our daughter travels across the ocean, is the same faith that makes the pain of the journey tolerable and the joy of the journey sweet.
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LF03M4ErSKU/T6lKWacWN-I/AAAAAAAAAEc/spnz44Tr5sQ/s1600/Pictures%2Bfrom%2Bthe%2BOld%2Bcomputer%2B5777.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LF03M4ErSKU/T6lKWacWN-I/AAAAAAAAAEc/spnz44Tr5sQ/s320/Pictures%2Bfrom%2Bthe%2BOld%2Bcomputer%2B5777.JPG" /></a></div>Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-41679158352701010112012-05-02T20:23:00.000-07:002012-05-02T20:23:16.197-07:00I have sat for almost 6 hours today trying to write a final letter to Emma and Jordon's parents. I can not find the words. I am putting it down for tonight. I am praying that with some rest, the words will find their way to my fingers tomorrow. But for now, I can not put together even a sentence that states what I am feeling and what I anticipate for our future. It isn't that there are not words, it is that they are being dammed up and if I allow a few to fall they all want to fall in a flood of emotion that makes no sense and has no purpose. Tomorrow. Hopefully.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-82463656190622847552012-04-23T17:55:00.003-07:002012-04-24T05:18:28.367-07:00Psalm 66:5: Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf. <br />
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I can attest with thanksgiving that there have been few times I have witnessed utter despair in my life. I have known great sadness, the loss of unborn children, in particular, but by the mercy of God I have been saved from the deep desperate pain that I am aware many face on a daily basis. Last night I had a conversation with despair and I am forever changed by the exchange.<br />
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Yesterday morning, the children's worker came to visit for her monthly home visit. There is not much to talk about right now as we are all in a holding pattern waiting for the May 3rd day to find it's way to our present. As we sat and discussed the children and their lives, she turns to me and says, "The kid's dad spoke with me and he is planning on voluntarily signing his rights away for the children."<br />
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SILENCE--whirls of thoughts and emotions begin to move around in my head like a storm of great intensity. What does this mean? <br />
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As we discussed the reasons he gave and how this will affect the trial set for May 3rd, I began to feel some peace. Half the battle is over before it begins. My thoughts move to their mom. What will she do? How will this effect her? We are confident the two of them are still together, still entwined in the co-dependency that weighs them down. This is a huge blow to her chances. Does she realize that what little she had to stand on has been severely compromised by his decision? How will she react. So many questions with answers I believed would never be available. Until about 3:30p.m..<br />
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We had just gotten home after a slight incident with a blown out tire and I had fed the children and canceled dinner plans for the evening. I was in the midst of searching for mini-vans on the internet when my phone rang. I could not find it before the ringtone of my girls singing "Defying Gravity" ended. The house phone begins to ring. I run up the stairs to get it and by the time I turn on the handset, it too stops ringing. Then there is a beep on my cell. "Sara, this is Cassie. Call me at the office ASAP." What could this be? Has something happened. Oh my, what if they have canceled our courtdate again? I dial the number anxious to hear what would warrant the "Call Me ASAP" message.<br />
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Cassie answers the phone and says, "Are you sitting down?" Oh no. What does this mean? "I am now," I state. "I am going to give you A*****'s phone number. She is thinking she will voluntarily sign over her rights to the children. She wants to talk with you and be sure you will send her pictures and letters." As she continues to talk, my body starts to shake in a mixture of elation and fear. This is the best case scenerio. Both parents signing away their rights to the children . No testifying. No waiting for the Judge's decision. No waiting for appeal days to pass. The opportunity to tell the children that their parents loved them enough to sacrifice their own wishes for their betterment . As I sat processing all the information Cassie was telling me, I then began to dwell on the conversation we would have and that is where the fear began to settle.<br />
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I have not tried to hide the fact that the idea of a mother losing her children in order for me to have children added to my family has always been a difficult concept for me. I have full understanding that there are times where the removal of children is not only a neccessity, but a gift you give the precious defensless children who are suffering in the lives they are given from parents who because of unwise choices, lack of responsibility or lack of feeling are harming them in gross and minute ways. I understand the mercy in such a thing. But more importantly I understand being a mother. I understand what happens to a person when life comes from her own body and that little face looks up at you and you realize it is the closest to being like God you will ever get. I know the ache of losing a child. I know the pain of feeling a failure to your children. I understand the hold of depression and addictions that cause you to make choices you know you should not. In fairness, I can not understand allowing those things reach a point where I would lose my children, nor can I imagine if my children were removed from me that I would not in the quickest possible way do whatever it took to get them back. But it is only by God's mercy and grace that I am given my life's circumstances. The conversation I would be having that evening would be facing head on this piece of the puzzle that has always been difficult for me. Head on.<br />
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From 3:30 until 6:30, I began to be in conversation. With God. With Nathan. With our caseworker. What do I say? How do I listen? Is this a trick? How can I extend comfort and hope to her? How do I even start such a conversation? In conversation with God I asked for guidance in my words, patience as He did what was His will, the opportunity to bring hope to A*****, to encourage her to be well for herself and for the children. In conversation with Nathan, I doubted my ability to have the conversation. I will cry. I will fall apart. He assured me he would be right there with me. In conversation with our caseworker, she guided me on how to say the things I wanted to say so as to guard against any legal action to effect the trial. I asked her if we should record the conversation. She said that could be a good idea.<br />
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I made dinner for the family, each bite of food passing the lump in my throat. Each swallow made more difficult by all the emotion that settled in my stomach. The welcome diversion of helping my friend Ann pack her car so to leave to go out of town unexpectedly and then the walk home realizing that once I was home, I would call. Each step being a decision of slow or fast, get there and get to that conversation at war with go slow and take your time this will be hard.<br />
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As I set up the recorder and got a pen and paper to doodle on during the conversation, I gathered the children to their rooms and Nathan to the table and I dialed the number. As the phone began to ring, I began to realize that in this conversation I had the easier role. I began to wonder if the ringing of the phone at A****'s home was a dread she too had been facing. When she picked up the phone, she knew it was me, even with my phone number blocked and never having spoken on the phone before. After the general niceties at the beginning of a phone call, I explained that Cassie asked me to call. There was a short silence on the other end of the line. And then she began to talk. She began to share her thoughts about what she needed to do, about Emma and Jordon, about Nathan and I. She shared her thoughts about where her life has been and where it was going. She was very honest about her ability to care for them. She spoke for about fifteen mintues, full of honest emotion and despair, while I sat and listened. It was only after she said that if she did this she would still want to be a part of the kids life, that I spoke. "What does that mean to you?" I responded. "I just want the kids to know about me, to be able to see pictures of them and send them letters." We discussed what I felt was best for the children and what I felt our family would need and my willingness to send pictures and updates, but that I did not feel that the children should have contact until they were of age. I explained that Nathan and I would do whatever we could to help the children find her when they were of age if that was their decision. I explained that I admired her for making such a sacrificial decision. I praised her for loving the children enough to make a decision like she was making.<br />
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As I sat listening, waiting for the "but", I realized there would be no "but", at least not tonight. I realized that if this indeed happens this way, with them making this very mature selfless decision for the kids, we could be finished with this leg of the journey within weeks. I also realized as I watched the brown tape wrap around the pegs in the recorder that this tape would be a huge gift to one day give the children. It would have their two mothers talking about how much they loved them, how much they wanted the best for them, how they were so blessed to have two women who loved them to the moon and back. That tape is wrapped in an envelope sitting in a box of the information that will be their personal history. It is a treasure I hope they will find comforting.<br />
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So now the wait until May 3rd continues, but it is a different kind of wait. It is a wait of anticipation and no longer one of dread. It is a day that will mean fresh starts for everyone involved made by good decisions and loving hearts. It will be a day of sadness and relief, celebration and joy. One of those perfect days full of every emotion that remind us of why the larger journey of faith, the journey of life, is worth making, even when it hurts, even when it is hard, even when it causes us to laugh through our tears. Because the end of the journey can only be fully appreciated by the miles and miles of living that lead us there.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-9417215951895722202012-03-01T10:18:00.001-08:002012-03-01T10:20:11.527-08:00Educational ReformThe Lost Tools of Learning:<br />Sara Jones, February 2012<br /><em>This is an essay I was asked to write in my application for the Director position mentioned in a previous post. Interested in your thoughts and in dialoging, especially with professional educators.</em><br /> Dorothy Sayers explores the mediocrity of modern education in her paper The Lost Tools of Learning. Realizing without the foundational education of how to learn, children become adults knowing facts without any real ability to think and connect ideas and disciplines. By pointing out the failings of modern education by comparing the current theories to classical ideas of education, including the Trivium, Sayers establishes a basic formulation for learning that focuses more on the ability to learn than on any particular subject in the primary years of learning. It is with mastery of how to learn that a student can then begin to focus on subjects, specializing personal education.<br /> The fundamental failing of modern education is the failure of teaching the student to think. Without providing a basic fundamental framework of how to learn, think and obtain information, a student becomes not a thinker, but instead a very well versed Trivial Pursuit player, knowing vast amount of information bits, but having no ability to use understanding of this information to formulate larger principles that takes that information, the concepts of that information, and is able to apply those concepts as they relate or differ from other seemingly non-connected disciplines. By turning from a generalist to a specialist structure of education, a person can become "a master in one field and show no better judgment than his neighbor anywhere else; he remembers what he has learnt, but forgets all together how he learned it." The student, and by proxy, society, loses out on the full benefit of specialization when no connections can be made to a broader understanding. Valuing economy and efficiency toward money making occupation over the value of an education for the sake of understanding and personal growth, the student gains employment but not education. Understanding the limitations of modern theories of education, the natural question becomes an alternate solution.<br /> By looking back to when educational processes produced skilled thinkers, the medieval "scheme of education" offers a viable alternative. The Trivium, from the Latin meaning the three ways or roads, offered a formula to learning that prepared the student for later specialized education of subjects. The Trivium focused on Grammar, Logic and Rhetoric. Breaking down how the student learns into steps, the student develops a structure to learn any subject. The first step, Grammar, is learning the structure and vocabulary of a particular subject. This was learned in context of language, in the classical time, Latin. In this step, regardless of subject, the foundation of the subject was broken down allowing the student to gain understanding in the workings of the subject so as to understand how to use it in the following step. The second step, the dialectic stage, the student then learns how to use the language. In this stage, the student knows the basic units of information and their structure and is now working to use that language, defining terms for others and how to accurately share the known information. Logic, the patterns of information, and Disputations, the ability to organize truths through debate of the patterns of information, are placed in the student’s arsenal. In the third step, Rhetoric, the student having a basic structure to understand information and becoming skilled in how to organize that information to build a larger truth, now would gain the skills to create larger truths, persuading and sharing information in an eloquent way. These three stages are not to be limited to a certain age group or educational level, but instead are continual. Progressional in nature, for a student to become a master of the Rhetoric stage, he must first be master of the Grammar and Dialectic. In mastering all three stages, the student is then able to use the ability of learning and apply that to the subjects he wanted to learn. Having this framework for knowledge, the student is prepared for further study in a particular specialized subject.<br /> In moving from a generalist to specialist focus in their education, the student may focus intently on one or two subjects, while continuing to study on a lesser scale other subjects. Maintaining the rhetoric stage of learning, while simultaneously developing the grammar and dialectic understanding of the particular subject, should not cause the student to see each subject as an isolated item. Instead the focus on this particular subject is balanced with the place the subject fits in the universe at large. The determination of when a student is ready to move from stage to stage is based on the skill of the child. Presenting information to a child to memorize should not be categorized by the child's ability to analyze the information; “What the material is is only of secondary importance." In integrating subjects into the student's education the focus should remain that subjects fit into a structure of learning and not the structure of learning fitting within a particular subject. <br /> Within the boundaries of educational reform, there can be no success for betterment if the student is learning information without a context of how and why to learn at all. Connecting the skill of learning at all to the mastery of a particular subject, in that order is in the long term the only way for education on a public scale to be improved. It becomes necessary for the professional educator to feel less the teacher of subjects and more the teacher of the process of learning. In the end, teachers cannot educate students, but instead can provide students with the skills to educate themselves. It is when the student has the skill set and takes on the responsibility of educating himself that true, long lasting education reform will occur.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-33713322041975549892012-02-25T13:08:00.002-08:002012-02-25T13:12:29.381-08:00<em>I am applying to be the Director and Tutor of the Challenge I program at our Classical Conversations campus. I was given the assignment to write three essays, one being my personal testimony of faith. I sat for more than 7 hours trying to write this testimony and really struggled. For the first five hours I struggled with how to start such a testimony, but then realized as in all things, I needed to start with God and taper down to self. </em><br /><br />Personal Testimony of Faith<br />Sara Jones, February 25, 2012<br /> My journey of faith can only be started by declaring with unwaivering confidence that Jehovah God is the one true God, Creator of the cosmos. In order to restore humanity to communion with Him, God sent His Son, Jesus Christ as God Incarnate to this world where His death served as the sacrifice for all men. Through the resurrection of Christ, I have victory of a good conscience (1 Peter 3:20-21) as a baptized believer saved by Grace. I believe upon the ascension of Christ, the Holy Spirit was sent to bring comfort and understanding to the world, working within the church which is the body of Christ fulfilling His purposes and ministry. (Eph. 1:23) Because of His Grace and Glory, I live as a part of that body and stand ready to share how His majesty affects my life and my claim to be a child of God.<br /> I have never known a time where God was not a central part of my life and worldview. Born to believing parents, I was raised and taught to honor God, learn about Him through His Word and practice my faith through obedience. Raised in the traditions of the church of Christ, I was encouraged and required to study my Bible. My family was, and remains very active in working with local congregations. My understanding of who I was even as a child was in relationship to God. The summer before my eleventh birthday, I was baptized into Christ. <br /> When I left home and moved to attend college across the country away from home, I found myself for the first time looking to establish my own faith as opposed to the faith I learned at the feet of my family. In this time of discovery, I never failed in my understanding in who the Triune God was, but instead began a more deliberate search for who I was to be under His authority. I found myself questioning my place in the church, what the church was to be and how the church was to be understood through the teachings of Christ and the scriptures. In my twenties, I met my husband who was also raised in the traditions of the church of Christ and who also was questioning and growing in his understanding of what discipleship meant for us as individuals and for the Church. Joining our journey's together, our approaches to faith differ greatly, mine a simple belief based on my faith, his a journey of skepticism which lead into a time of doubt, and a return to faith through a great seeking of understanding of God, I have learned in a very real way the concept of unity in diversity. In relationship to my husband, I began to understand how each of us are working out our own salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12). Through this time of our journey, I believe God opened my eyes to broader borders of His Kingdom and a better understanding of who I was to strive to be as a disciple. <br /> Today, I stand firm in my faith described in the introduction of this testimony, but ever a student of who Christ is and how I am to reflect Him in my life. I understand now more than ever that all of my life is to be laid down at the feet of my Savior. I find myself flawed in the execution of my faith more often than I care to admit, but more at peace in the Grace of God. I also find myself working within a church family that challenges me to acknowledge the gifts God has given me and use them to the glory of God. I am challenged to ever grow, ever seek, ever examine so as to continue to grow and be transformed into the image of God and the person God planned for me to be.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-50126254804334466672012-02-23T06:08:00.004-08:002012-02-23T07:02:39.733-08:00Separation<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZPQYqHVAWfk/T0ZU-Oa_76I/AAAAAAAAAEE/n0gzH3Mc00k/s1600/may%2B4.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 318px; height: 159px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZPQYqHVAWfk/T0ZU-Oa_76I/AAAAAAAAAEE/n0gzH3Mc00k/s320/may%2B4.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5712346605366013858" /></a><br />We were heading to Georgia the week before January 27th's court date when we received a phone call letting us know our court date had been canceled. The judge had cleared her docket. February 10, the attorneys and judge would meet to reschedule the date. No explanation. No debate. No way to change anything. I think the only words I could find to say were, "You are kidding, right?" But the answer was a resounding no, apologetically from the case worker. Visits would continue and we would wait.<br />and wait,<br />and wait.<br /><br />February 10th has come and gone now and the new date has been set for May 4; Thirteen weeks, 3 months of waiting. As I shared the news with friends and family, the common response was "What can we do? Can we petition the judge?" Oh how I wish that could happen. The reality is that we are not even players yet in the game. This trial is not about us at all. It is about Emma and Jordon for sure, but as for the Joneses, we are merely the unattached caregivers in the eye of the state. This trial is all about Emma and Jordon's parents and their fitness for parenting. While we will testify, it will be merely to how E and J are growing, what they do day in and day out, their mental state toward life, school, each other. We will not be there to speak of our love for the children, their love for us. We will not be there to declare that they are a part of our family or that the idea of losing them after almost 2 years of caring for them would be so devastating I can not even think of it without feeling a large weight in my chest. We are to be living in the clinical uncomplication of the fostering world. Separate, unattached. <br /><br />I can not understand the concept of separation of spirit and physical, care and love. Honestly, I don't want to understand it. To the state, we are to care for these children as if they are our own, while separating ourselves so that we will let them go as soon as we are told. I get the concept. The reality is not so easy to wrap my brain around. I stand as mother and advocate of these children in their mental health, their physical health, their schooling, their daily routine, but when it comes to advocating for them as to their best interests for long term health, wellness and happiness, I am lost for the tools. I am standing at the feet of the decision makers and find myself short of a voice. And for this girl who wears opinions like accessories, I find myself frustrated. <br /><br />I find in every aspect of my life I am asked to separate myself into parts. Just like the idea of separating my heart and soul from these kids and their physical needs. Separate hurt from actions when someone who you feel should love you unconditionally acts and speaks to and about you with such disregard you feel more an enemy than loved one. Separate actions from faith because of some invisible line between the spiritual and physical that I earnestly believe doesn't exist. Separate my joy and happiness from my physical being because somewhere along the way celebration equated to the opposite of reverence. Separate my feelings from my life, because it is deemed selfishness to truly feel the way you feel. <br /><br />Where did we decide along the way we could be so easily divided? When did we find our lives a convenient ice cube tray where each part was walled off from the other? Maybe it is because I am female, maybe it is because I wear my heart on my sleeve, or maybe it is because it is totally contrary to nature, I can not live a life of separation. My spirit, my body, my soul can not be divided. My heart and my mind are one and the same and they can not be contained apart from the very essence of who God made me to be. Must I practice discipline? Absolutely. Must I work on restraint? Of course. But divide myself? May it never be. <br /><br />I accept by staying whole, fully connected soul, spirit, body, mind and heart, I will face a world who will try to divide me. I will open myself up to pain and hurt. Just like the very real hurt that could come in having to face giving up Emma and Jordon if the court says we must. But in division, I would miss out on the colossal blessings of loving with total abandon. And no fear of pain is so ominous that the reality of love can not champion it completely.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-28423357519724059352012-02-16T10:58:00.005-08:002012-02-23T06:06:38.956-08:00Personal History<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ycQP2B2P8SY/Tz1ecQiJzeI/AAAAAAAAAD4/cQAnWW5Qy18/s1600/wedding.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 273px; height: 180px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ycQP2B2P8SY/Tz1ecQiJzeI/AAAAAAAAAD4/cQAnWW5Qy18/s320/wedding.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5709823742143221218" /></a><br />As I am writing this a dear friend, Rob Miller, is undergoing heart surgery. They thought there were 3 blockages to bypass, but the news is that there are up to 6 the surgeons are correcting while they have his chest open. When I learned of the news of his mild heart attack, it caught me at such surprise, I felt a bit out of wind.<br /><br />Rob Miller. He is and shall always be an important part of my family history. When I moved to Louisville to begin working after college, Rob was, as he continues to be, the preacher at Gardiner Lane church. I don't quite recall when I met Rob and his wife Lynn, but soon after I had settled into Gardiner Lane as my church family, I have memories of being invited to their home for dinner, going out after church for meals. It was not long before I was fully in love with their family, including their children Taylor and Logan, who at the time were very young. I found myself spending more and more time at their home, enjoying their company and soon feeling like just part of the family. <br /><br />Rob was like an older brother to me. He was protective and encouraging and honestly, he spoiled me rotten. His generosity is like none I have ever known. He gives of himself, his time and his money with such generosity, it is hard to know how to receive at times. When Nate and I began to date and became engaged, he offered a marriage class and then volunteered to do our pre-marital counseling.<br /><br />Rob supported our relationship and helped us to build it up as we prepared for our marriage, charging us with the task of talking out all manner of things, we left to our own devices would not have thought to talk about. He ministered to us individually and as a couple and when he then pronounced us husband and wife, it felt only natural that it was he who would be forever linked to our marriage, by his signature on our license, but more importantly as focusing our thoughts on what our marriage would be.<br /><br />Just after our marriage, Rob knew Nathan and I wanted to buy a house. He had a house in his charge where his mother and aunt had lived. He approached us, shared a plan for us to own our own home. He again ministered to us, encouraging us to think through what we could afford, what we needed, and then again with great generosity offered us a plan to purchase our very first home with his help. Once again, Rob was a fixture in our purchasing our first home. Conveniently, he and his family lived just around the corner and it would allow us to spend a lot of time with them.<br /><br />When Nathan and I found out we were pregnant with Noah, Rob again was a support for us. When I went into labor, the first person at the hospital was Rob and he sat with us while we waited for a room to open for me. He kept me entertained when I really was scared out of my mind. Just his presence with us helped me. Just like that big brother I had never had, he seemed to make the world a better place for me. The week after I had Noah, I needed to take him to the doctor, but could not drive because I had an epidural. Rob came and picked me and Noah up and took us to the doctor's office. As I took Noah back to the room for his exam, Rob was questioned if he was the grandfather, Rob is only 14 years older than me. When I came out with Noah, he met me so tickled by this conversation. I heard him tell that story over and over, each time with more laughter. <br /><br />Whenever I needed anything, I could call Rob and he would come and help. When I was scared, he came to comfort. When I was sick, he came to mow grass or bring food. When Nate and I were in trouble, he would minister to us and would help us through difficult conversations. <br /><br />When Nathan was offered a job and we knew we were to move, the people I dreaded telling the most were Rob and Lynn. Nathan and I knew we would miss them of all our friends the most, for they were more family than friends. I asked them to meet me for lunch and I broke the news to them. I will never forget the disappointment and hurt in their faces that contrasted the words of support they spoke. I knew we were letting them down by moving on. It hurts my heart to think that any action we would do would bring them hurt or sadness. <br /><br />It has been 9 years since we moved from Louisville. As time and distance tend to do, we don't share the same closeness, the same easy relationship that we once shared. It is among my life disappointments that what needed to be done for our family required us to be at a distance from Rob and Lynn. There is never a time I don't hold them in my heart. Rob will forever be my big brother, a vital part of my personal history. <br /><br />So today as he undergoes this surgery, I find myself more prayerful than I tend to be. I pray for his health and recovery because I know I was not special in the attentions he gave. That was Rob, he offered all that he offered me to most he came into contact with. The world is a better place because Rob is in it and personal histories are being made with him as a pillar in them. <br /><br />Noah and I plan to travel to visit with Rob tomorrow and my heart yearns to see him ok, to give him a hug and to share with him just how much I love him. I wish only it did not take a medical emergency to bring to my remembrance the importance of sharing the love and the thankfulness I have for him and his family.<br /><br />Dear God in Heaven, <br />Please be with my dear friend Rob as he continues to be in surgery. Heal him Lord, bring him through this surgery. Help me and all those who have been ministered to by Rob, return that service with love and thankfulness. Lord I trust in You,<br />Because of Jesus, <br />Amen.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-24162887609257804782012-02-06T19:58:00.001-08:002012-02-06T20:19:26.356-08:00My Love for Jeremy BowmanOne of my first friends when I moved to Louisville was the incomparable Jeremy Bowman. He welcomed me with a whirlwind of energy that made me happy to know people like him in the world exist. While he has been one of Nathan's dearest friends since they were in elementary school, I count him among my dearest friends, even though geography and busy lives seem to get in our way of spending quality time together. Each time I see him, I am swept up in his contagious energy and I remember why I adore him. There is seldom a time Jeremy doesn't stand up the biggest fan of our children, always offering his help and support in their ventures.<br /><br />This week Jeremy, with his wife Mikki Jo and daughter Amira, have suffered a great loss. Their son lost his life at the hands of Trisomy 18. There are no words to describe how saddened I am for them. Loss has a great way of being universal and so specific to each situation. I can not imagine how they are feeling; the loss they are experiencing. Nathan and I have lost multiple babies to miscarriage and while this situation differs, I know my own pain. It is a pain not only of a precious little one, but a pain that comes from grieving the future that will not be. It burdens us with the pangs of our faith coming under attack, and in the end it is a pain that is hard to share with others as it is a loss not easily understood by those who have not walked in it's shadow. <br /><br />My prayer is that those of us who will gather to share in their loss at tomorrow's service will muster all the energy of love and compassion we have received through the years from our dear friend, Jeremy, and reflect it back to him, filling him up in these days when his heart is weary.<br /><br />Jeremy, I love you and I lift you up in my prayers. Wishing only that I could carry a portion of your burden in the loss. My heart is with you sweet friend.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-26189668873345622832012-02-01T07:10:00.001-08:002012-02-01T15:34:57.592-08:00Nathan part 2<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_oVAbhUT1jo/Tylgjqo2FQI/AAAAAAAAADs/so6LzsRmBOg/s1600/nateand%2Bsara.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 190px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_oVAbhUT1jo/Tylgjqo2FQI/AAAAAAAAADs/so6LzsRmBOg/s320/nateand%2Bsara.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704196568898737410" /></a><br />The following evening, I finished working and hurried home to freshen up for the evening with Nathan. I was working at State Farm as a Claims Adjuster. Nathan was a student at IUS and was working at UPS through the night. The plan was for him to come to my apartment with pizza and movies. We would spend the evening together and he would need to leave by 11 so he could get to work. <br /><br />He arrived with a pizza and 2 videos, <em>Birdcage</em> and <em>Fargo</em>. We sat the pizza on the floor and layed out on the floor eating and talking. Since meeting Nathan, I have found there to be few things I enjoy more than talking with him. From our friendship to this second date, we found ourselves deep in conversation. We decided if we were to watch a movie before he left for work, we better get to it. After the movie, we sat and talked. And talked. And talked. We were so engaged in the conversation we did not realize that it was 2 in the morning. Nathan was more than 2 hours late for work and we just did not want the night to end. Nate dealt with his work situation and then said,"So you want to watch the other movie?" We put in <em>Birdcage</em> and watched. As it ended, I suggested I make us a big breakfast. I would need to be getting up to go to work in an hour, so we might as well just spend the rest of the evening together. I made us eggs and toast. Nathan says I gave what he still refers to as "the look" and he pulled me close and kissed me. In that kiss, I knew my life was forever changed. Two weeks later, Nathan turned to me and said, I am not saying anytime soon, but I am going to marry you. <br /><br />And so is the start of our story, Nathan has said he loved me long before we went on our first date, and it took only a couple dates to fall in love. Such is the benefit of dating your best friend. Since developing a friendship with Nathan, there is no one in the world I would rather spend time with, talk to, or love. The past 15 years have been full, not always easy, at times down right difficult, but through it all, and as I look to our future, I am so thankful for this man whose name means Gift of God. He truly is a gift to me.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-88833234423571613272012-02-01T05:56:00.001-08:002012-02-01T07:05:14.832-08:00Nathan<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LYviLkSqjv4/TylOwh2RylI/AAAAAAAAADg/eccHEt-ouy8/s1600/nathan%2Band%2Bsara.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LYviLkSqjv4/TylOwh2RylI/AAAAAAAAADg/eccHEt-ouy8/s320/nathan%2Band%2Bsara.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5704176998668159570" /></a><br />Nathan and I met in the fall of 1996, he was preaching a sermon at Gardiner Lane church of Christ. After the sermon, he came up and introduced himself to me. He was wearing a green toned suit that made his eyes look like they were going to explode green. We actually got dinner together that night, along with about 20 other people. We sat together, he bought my pizza. He has said he left that night thinking, "She's cute, but I will never date her, we have nothing in common." I left thinking of the college boy who had my heart. <br /><br />That December, we had a college and singles Bible Study. We sent invitations to churches all over town. Nathan and I were the only ones who came. We sat and talked for a few hours. We didn't study the Bible, we just talked about music, movies, church and people we knew in common. When he left I was glad to have a friend.<br /><br />Weeks passed before I talked with him again. I was visiting around churches and traveling with friends. In January of 1997 I went to Illinois for the month to train for my job. I had made the decision to move on from that boy who had my heart and had started to date my dentist. I had also started to regularly attend Gardiner Lane. Nathan and I met for lunch when I returned home from claim school. He asked me,"Have you been somewhere, I have not seen you?" I remember being a bit bothered by him not noticing I was gone, but was still going on dates with my dentist and I had met a man in Illinois who also had my attention.<br /><br />From that lunch on we began to hang out more frequently. Usually with a group of friends. We would have dinner together here and there, go to meetings together. All along enjoying our friendship. He had become my best friend in Louisville. As is the case in small churches, the fact Nathan and I were spending time together created a wave of conversation. Soon I heard little else but Nathan this and Nathan that. I heard "You should just go up and kiss him." I heard, "He had his heart broken before." I found it very amusing how we had cheerleaders rooting for something, I know we were both thinking about but not quite ready to pursue. <br /><br />In April, I was invited by my now mother-in-law to go to Thunder Over Louisville. This would be my first experience with the Derby celebrations. Nathan would join us only for the fireworks, he would be sleeping from working the night shift at UPS. I enjoyed visiting with the Joneses, talked a lot with Trevor and enjoyed people watching. As the sun began to fall, Nathan joined us. We sat together and watched the fireworks and something changed. A small change, but still a change. The next evening, we were leaving church and I said to Nathan, "I have not a dollar to my name, where are you taking me to dinner?" He said, "I have five dollars, I guess it is Taco Bell." We sat at Taco Bell and I bemoaned the fact that I could not get a moment's peace about him. I mused I would need to write a book, <strong>100 Ways To Get Nathan Jones To Ask Me Out On A Date</strong>. We laughed and talked about the most ridiculous things said to us about the other. We ate a hearty dinner for 2 on $5.00 and left for him to drop me back off at my car. <br /><br />As we said our goodbyes, he said, "Do you have plans for tomorrow night? Do you want to actually try out a date?" I was so excited. How strange to be going on a first date with my closest friend in the city, whom I had spent hours and hours of time. Monday night he picked me up and took me to dinner at the Italian Oven. I remember thinking how odd it was to be nervous, but I think we both were. Not so much because we were nervous with each other, but instead in the idea we would blow a great friendship by pursuing something more if it did not work out well. It was a long dinner, full of laughter and drawing on the paper table covers. Nathan took me back to my apartment. He walked me back to my door and we lingered saying goodnight. He began to walk away and turned and asked, "Want me to bring some pizzas and movies tomorrow night?" I smiled, agreed, turned into my apartment and may or may not have done a little happy dance. (to be continued)Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-79349407805794876662012-01-24T06:41:00.000-08:002012-01-24T10:14:49.988-08:00Avoiding the Big Jerk<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o5M0Zqzo8e8/Tx71EjDkWjI/AAAAAAAAADU/hCFh9yx-Zew/s1600/what-mean-dreaming-about-falling.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 183px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o5M0Zqzo8e8/Tx71EjDkWjI/AAAAAAAAADU/hCFh9yx-Zew/s320/what-mean-dreaming-about-falling.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701263636776114738" /></a><br />Friday afternoon, as our family headed down to Georgia, we received a call from the kid's caseworker. She said, "I have some bad news." Never a good way to start a conversation. She went on to tell us that the Judge for our case decided to clear her docket for this Friday, meaning our Termination Trial is postponed. The judge, attorneys and caseworkers will meet on February 10th to set a new trial date. We are not sure how long it will take to get a new trial date, but we are asking for you to pray with us that 1. The parents will just sign the paperwork or 2. That the trial date be set in the month of February.<br /><br />This journey has been chalk full of last minute detours for us. From the last minute decision of the foster family to adopt "our" boys, to this being the second time the trial date has been upon us only for us to find that an officer of the courts has last minute made changes or failed to file paperwork. It is very frustrating.<br /><br />I wonder if in this I am to continue to work on giving up my control. Oh how I wish I could scream, "I surrender all!" with total abandon. But the reality is I am frustrated because I was planning on this. I was feeling in control of the situation. <br /><br />I learned on talk radio this weekend, humans experience Hypnagogia. It is the sensation of falling as you go to sleep. Many people will have a sudden start or body jerk. Nathan does this and let me tell you when he and I were first married, this would scare me to death. A 6 foot 3 inch body jerk happening beside you unexpectedly will FREAK YOU OUT if you don't know it is coming. I digress; this hypnic jerk is a very real reaction to falling when you are indeed lying in your soft bed. I feel that in this journey I have spiritual hypnic jerks. This feeling of falling and reacting to the fall when all along I know I am lying in the palm of God's hand. <br /><br />Today I will focus on trusting in the resting place. I will focus on God's working and work on my not reacting.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-27500149800101555442012-01-13T05:21:00.001-08:002012-01-13T06:20:21.630-08:00Quiet PassagesThis morning I am up before everyone else,looking out at the fields behind our home that are dusted with the first sticking snow of the season. It is just another day to most everyone around us. <br /><br />But it is a big day. It is a day that will mean a lot to a set of people who may not have a clear vision of its importance. It will be the last visitation day for the children. While we are fully aware this will be the last day the children will have time with their parents, the children have no idea and it is our understanding that their parents may not have a full understanding this will be their last time to see and spend time with the children. Two weeks from today is the court date for the Termination of Parental Rights. The children see their parents every other week, so today is the day. <br /><br />It is a delicate rope we walk in these matters with the children. We are subtly prepping them for major life changes without speaking much of those changes. We are not in a position to talk with the children about being a permanent part of our family since their fate rests on a trial and a judgement. We can not make promises to them until we are in a very secure position to make those promises and that will be after the judgement and appeal time has passed. But in the midst of what we perceive as positive steps in their future we are mindful of the loss they are about to suffer.<br /><br />I have spent many thoughts on the concept of this being the last time the children will spend time with their parents. As a Mom, I can not help but place myself in their position and it is so grievous. What will be said today that will be the last impression the children have of their parents? Will this day stick with them and be a place they hold in their hearts? I place myself in the position of their parents and I wonder if they know, if they are preparing for this day, or if they have not looked far enough ahead on the calendar to realize this is it. What will they say to the children if they have any understanding of the significance? How will the words they choose today help or hinder the mental health of the children in the years to come? I have requested an officer of the court be present through the whole visit to ensure the conversations are healthy for the children. My compassion for the situation for the parents ends at the moment my motherhood begins. <br /><br />Through the holidays we have enjoyed getting to know our newest niece and spent time with my baby sister who is expecting a little girl. The children have been amazingly curious about where these babies have come from and how there are babies in Mommy's tummies. I imagine their very special circumstances make them even more curious about Mommies and babies and how they relate to each other. Emma asked me one day if I wanted a baby in my tummy. I told her I had babies in my tummy and Noah, Macy and Molly were once my babies, but they have grown up. She then asked me, "Well, where did I come from?" I shared with her about her growing in her Mommy's tummy. Jordon, listening to this, chimed in and said, "I am so glad I came from you's tummy." Oh sweet boy, I know this is hard to understand! Emma then had a series of questions about what makes a Mom a Mom. The curiosity of a five year old is overwhelming, but when that five year old wants so much to fit in and not be different, it tears your heart with each question.<br /><br />Compounding the whole scenario is the reality that after being a part of our family for 18 months, over the next several weeks, though everything will change, really nothing will. They will sleep in their same bed, play with their same toys, live in their same routines and feel the same love and devotion they have felt for the majority of their memory. They will change their last name, but they have been classified as Joneses for so long, that is not a real change either. They will no longer see their parents, but that is just a 2 hour a month change. All seem so small, but in reality they are each so significant. How do you capture the significance of the change when nothing changes? How do you grieve a loss of such importance when there is nothing to mourn?<br /><br />So we prepare for this really small, really big day. I will hold my breath and wait as they spend their time with their parents and I will smile as they run to me, gauge how things went and we will go on with our day. But in my heart I will carry this day, honoring the quiet passage, continually praying for the children to be covered in His grace and protection. For this is the beginning of the end that leads to the continuation of our journey and I feel it worthy of mention.<br /><br />Our court date is January 27. We have received our subpoenas. We ask you to pray with us.<br /><br />"God be with the children today. May all the words spoken today be a joy for them to hear and be words they can treasure as they grow. Protect these sweet babies and hold them in Your hand as they experience these changes. We trust in You and know You are in control. Through Jesus we pray. Amen."Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-19276331534927760232011-11-12T18:28:00.000-08:002011-11-12T19:42:37.577-08:00The Sandusky CaseI need to make a confession, I become obsessed with news stories that deal with crimes against children. Case in point: Jon Benet Ramsey. I went to an investigation seminar for my job during the fallout of this case where we used the "ransom" note left after her disappearance to study handwriting analysis. This opened a door of a self admittedly embarrassing obsession with all things Jon Benet Ramsey. I read everything I could get my hands on and save taking a flight to Colorado, I knew in my heart with a little of my investigative prowess, I could break this case wide open. <br /><br />I guess my second confession should be that I suffer from an inordinate amount of self-confidence.<br /><br />Over the past several days I have become a bit obsessed with the Jerry Sandusky accusations and grand jury report. I find myself reading every article I can get from every news outlet writing the story. My obsession is not to "crack the case," but instead to try to understand why grown men of power made the decisions they made. The repeated ignoring of damage to children in the case of Jerry Sandusky's actions is a 15 year reenactment of the two year old who was run over in China and no one helped. (Don't know what I am talking about, google it and be prepared to be even more disappointed in humanity.)<br /><br />I come into this story with a peaked interest for two reasons. I am currently involved in the lives of foster children. Secondly, I have a 12 year old son. As a foster mother for the past two years I have grown a very special interest in the lives of children who are in the system. I have seen first hand the effects of unimaginable abuse on children at the hands of trusted adults. The abuse of these children, in my experience, is rarely hidden from other adults. It takes a community to allow these kids to be repeatedly abused. A prevalent drug culture is usually the first environmental red flag to sexual abuse, the second is the history of the abuser. Studies and experience show sexually abused children have a propensity to sexually deviant behavior as they mature. <br /><br />How do you counter this sexual deviance? First, you acknowledge it. I think the thing that is of concern to me in the case of the alleged victims of Jerry Sandusky's victims and the cover-up that followed is that these boys likely were not given therapeutic care to deal with the trauma and subsequent mental health issues that will follow such a trauma. For the age of Sandusky's victims,I would hope these sexual experiences were likely the first they had experienced. Their sexuality, their view of sex, and their self concept all were compromised with each incident. Adding the element of same-sex abuse and the stigma of homosexuality to the mix, these boys likely felt limited in their outreach. I can only imagine the boys who knew someone saw their abuse and did not stop it, felt further limitations in the acceptance of their stories. <br /><br />I have struggled to walk a mile in the shoes of the men who knew what was happening, but chose not to speak up or step in. Why would you not step up? I think the easy answer is that they were all protecting their own reputations and the reputation of their football program. Yet, I am not convinced that this was the sole reason. I have batted around the idea that we as humans click over to denial when faced with atrocities. A pillar in our community surely could not have done this thing? Last year a conservative fundamentalist preacher in our area attempted to fake his own death in order to run away with his 13 year old lover. A mother kills her children in order to allow for herself the freedom to party. A philanthropist football icon could not be a sexual predator. Our brains can categorize these into unbelievable things. Further, I believe there is an inability for us to talk about sexual activity, positive or negative, without turning to embarrassed whispers or jokes. How many times have you found yourself talking about sex and felt compelled to whisper? I wonder if in sharing the information to one another each in the chain of information in the Sandusky case found their need to make the story believable in their own brain and their own discomfort in speaking of deviant sex acts, indeed downplayed the incident to the point that those further from the witness did not fully understand the extent of the incident.<br /><br />Please understand I am appalled and disgusted that there was not action. But, the truth is each of these men were not in and of themselves the monster Sandusky appears to be. I imagine before all of this came in the open, they would have been described as upstanding, truth loving, community protecting citizens. So would it have been different in my circle of friends, your circle of friends, or another University? Is it possible that humanity allows this to happen? Or is it just protecting the program at all cost? Maybe that is just so atrocious to me I am trying to make it believable? I believe if we don't figure out the root cause of why there was no action, we as a society will have failed ourselves in preventing it from happening in another place at another time.<br /><br />As a mother of a pre-teen son, I am so torn up by these stories I have felt physically sick. I think of my child and where he is in his development. Who he is and how each event in his life molds his thinking and direction. I think of the adults in his life whom I trust and rely on to form him and wonder what if I were to learn they were not only not protecting him from the monsters of this world, but were the monsters themselves. It is a nightmare to me that we live in a society where you, if only for a moment, have to take a mental inventory of the people in your children's lives and wonder, even if only for a moment, if they are protecting your child or harming them. The Sandusky's of the world strip us all of our peace and confidence in our fellow man.<br /><br />At the end of all these thoughts lie the reality that this world is a fallen world. It is my belief that stories like these will become more and more prevalent as days go by. We live in a world where we don't protect the weak, we kill our unborn, we protect our own hearts, rather than take in the fatherless, and we strip family of any importance. We demean masculinity, confuse femininity with sexuality, and we cheapen sex to the point we package it and sell it. We live in a society where we fear financial suffering so we watch a two year old lie in her own blood in the street and we value our own job to the virtue and well-being of an abused child. We riot the firing of a coach, but are apathetic to the raped child he failed to protect. We live in a society that says anything goes. In a society where anything goes, anything will go. Are we prepared for what that means?Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-21979851524951000732011-10-23T15:11:00.000-07:002011-10-23T16:09:38.733-07:00Becoming a JonesOctober 10th came and went with nothing to show for it. The only thing that happened that day was the birthparents of E and J received subpoenas stating the state of Kentucky was filing for Termination of Rights.<br /><br />******FRUSTRATION**************<br /><br />Now that I am a couple of weeks away from the absolute frustration the 10th brought into my life, I can tell you that it could be worse. Our family is still our family, the kids are still safe with us, and we know God is in control.<br /><br />My problem is that I want to be in control too. Paperwork, inept caseworkers and etc all add up to a delay. We do not know a date for the end of this journey. We assume it will happen, but the truth is we don't know what is going to happen. This is very difficult for me. I am a doer. Maybe I am being taught to be a have faith-er (poetic license is my friend!). I like being a doer better. I need to get over myself. We hope to be subpoenaed soon. With that subpoena will come a date and at least a few answers. <br /><br />I told my Mother the other day I am pretty excited about being subpoenaed. This has never happened to me before. I have visions of a pizza being delivered with the legal documents tucked away or a floral arrangement that needs to be signed for. Ridiculous I know. Most likely we will get a certified piece of mail. But I have entertained myself for days thinking of all the ways I would subpoena people if I were the subpoena deliverer. I think I may watch too much television. Maybe I am just a big nerd. Pick C for all of the above.<br /><br />I digress, so we wait for the subpoena and we wait for a new date. Tick Tock....<br /><br />At dinner the other night we had a conversation about names. Emma wanted to know everyone's full name. We went around and talked about our names. Jordon piped in and said, "My name is Jordon Mowhatavich-Jones." (To hear him pronounce his last name is pretty funny.) Emma said, "I want my name to be Jones too."<br /><br />Friday after visitation, Nathan was at the courthouse to pick up the children. As they ran up the stairs with their gifts from their parents, the children yelled, "Daddy, Daddy look at our stuff." Nathan told E she needed to say goodbye to her Mom and she turned her head and said "BYE" and went immediately back into her conversation with Nathan. We are seeing such a change in her. I think she is as ready for this to be over as we are and although we may be biased, it seems she is done with her other life. At school, she is doing a unit on what is a family. She was asked by her teacher to draw a family portrait. When she brought it home she showed it to me. It was a picture of a family of 7. She said, "This is my family." and then went on to point out everyone in our family. <br /><br />What lies ahead is for the subpoenas to arrive. Nate and I will testify as to the well-being of the children. We have been told the trial will most likely last no longer than a day. The judge will have 30 days from the end of the trial to make a ruling. From the ruling date, the parents will have another 30 days to file an appeal. While we are waiting for the appeal period to pass, we will be working with our caseworker to fill out all the adoption paperwork that will need to be done. Hopefully on the 31st day, if there is no appeal, we will have all of our paperwork completed and we can petition the court for an adoption date. I doubt this will happen by the end of this year, but I would love for it to. There are still a few things that could be problematic. We have to believe that all familial contacts have been exhausted and that there is not a blood related relative who will step up, be accepted by the state as a parental alternative. It is my understanding this has been done, but honestly my faith in the caseworker is shaky. Reality is the judge could just give the kids back to their parents, but I just can not imagine this will happen.<br /><br />When we began this road with Emma and Jordon, I wrote a letter to their mother on this blog. I never sent that letter to her. I have told her face to face many of the things that were in that letter. Over the past 15 months, my attitude has changed towared her. Today I write her this letter.<br /><br />Dear Birthmother, <br /><br />It is a strange thing to be waiting for you to stop being my children's mother. I hate the feeling of waiting for you to fail enough. I wrestle with the feeling of guilt that I want you to fail. I am haunted by placing myself in your shoes and wondering what it would be like to know I could never see my children again. <br /><br />I look into the eyes of these children and I burn with anger for you. Not only have you allowed these children to suffer and failed to protect their innocence, but you have become a source of pain for them. You refuse to do what you need to do to be their mother and yet you selfishly refuse to let them go. You have placed them, as well as my whole family in a state of limbo. You daily steal security and permanency from their lives. You comfort yourself in dollar store gifts for them and I have come to realize those gifts mirror your love for them, cheap, useless, and easily broken. <br /><br />I have tried for more than a year to empathize with you; to understand your point of view. Yet, the truth is you don't live in the same world I live in. You live in a world of denial and self destruction. You live in a world where children are used as pawns for your own purposes. I no longer want to understand you. I no longer want<br />to be compassionate to your circumstances. Month after month, you look at these children and blatantly lie to them. Month after month, you to save face with them, fill them with false hope. You can not think of them enough to think what will befall them when they realize you have lied. And what you can not know, is that no longer do they mourn you, instead your inabilities are something they acknowledge as something totally disconnected from them. <br /><br />You have the ability to give these children one last gift. The gift of removing them from the cycle of destruction that you are currently spinning in. You tell them you love them, and I have no problem believing you, for they are very lovable. The problem is you have loved them too little and loved things that could destroy them too much. My one wish is for you to give them the gift that requires you to truly be a mother, put them first. Let them go so they may feel the security of permanency that could be theirs. <br /><br />It is because of you I am their mother. Your choices created my role. I will not be shy in advocating for their best interests. I will not compromise their well being for your feelings. You have chosen. Now I fight for them. <br /><br />May you become well. May you find a way out of this life you have chosen.<br />Let them go,<br /><br />Me.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-32945897480784886522011-09-22T08:56:00.000-07:002011-09-22T09:32:28.914-07:00LearningThere are moments in homeschooling when I think, "Hmphhfff." But then there are the moments that I cherish. As my children grow and develop, I foresee these moments presenting more and more. It is an absolute joy to be intimately involved with their learning experiences. I love the discussions that happen around the table over books. The insight to their thinking, enriches my own, but mostly makes me just fall more and more in love with these children.<br /><br />Noah is taking a rhetoric class where he is learning the theory of Evolution and then being asked to make a decision to reject or accept it giving arguments as to why he believes what he believes. Yesterday he asked me to sit down with him, as he had some questions he wanted to ask and he wanted to run some things by me. He layed out an argument for why he believed that certain tenents of the theory of Evolution when combined with his Faith based beliefs of God as Creator were not mutually exclusive. As I sat listening to him make his arguments, I realized we are fully in the dialectic/rhetoric levels of his learning. I was so impressed with his thinking, and while I did not agree with all of his arguments, I understood how he could reach the conclusions he made. Most impressive to me was when he was finished making his arguments, he said, "Mom, this is what I have been thinking about today. I want you to tell me what you think. I feel certain I have more to learn." Oh how I hope he keeps this humble yearning to learn. I want to be more like him in realizing my understandings are limited and to not be so set in thinking I know what I know that I am not, like him, willing to admit that there is more to learn and that my current understanding could be faulty by limited knowledge.<br /><br />Secondly, he pulled out his Bible and said he had some questions about the creation account, specifically Genesis 1:24. He read to me how the land produced the animals and then shared his feelings of how God used the Earth in creation. He went on to make an argument as to why he can see why people in the past have mistakenly deified the Earth. My favorite thing he stated was, "I think that the ancient people who worshipped the Earth and the scientists today are not very far off the mark. The Earth is a source of creation, even for the animals, and there is no doubt that there has been evolution and adaption, but I think they are missing God in it all. It is like they are almost there and quit before they truly understand. If you see that God used the things they are talking about you get the whole story. And that is truth. I don't understand why they are willing to accept just a portion of the truth."<br /><br />What a thrill to watch my children develop their own understanding of the world around them. What an amazing thing to see them tackle faith. I love this stage of their learning when everything is so black and white. I love the confidence on Noah's face when he states a belief (even if what I think he is saying is completely false), and I love that he asks questions, asks if we agree with him or not. I love that he is willing to recognize the limitations of his understanding. The mixture of this idealistic confidence and humility is so precious and endearing. Oh how I look forward to witnessing this boy becoming a man. I look forward to seeing just who he becomes. I anticipate it will be amazing!Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-24638044257532795352011-09-14T06:49:00.000-07:002011-09-14T19:29:51.467-07:00They look just like you...One of my favorite parts of being the Mom to children I did not give birth to is hearing the phrases, "I see so much of your husband in this one" or "The little one and his big brother really favor." or "Your children favor so much." I usually just smile to strangers, but to acquaintances who we have known for some time, but have not been in recent communication with, I will share our story of Emma and Jordon and how they have come to us. I believe it is true that the longer you live in relationship with someone, you begin to favor them. Nathan is extremely lucky!<br /><br />As I have thought about the mannerisms Emma and Jordon have picked up from living with us it makes me think they do favor us in many ways. It is true their coloring, eyes and hair do match up to our family's. They have sweet Eastern European faces, very unlike our round American faces, but really the way they talk, the way they move, the way they express themselves with their faces, bodies, hands have come to be very similar to the rest of us. <br /><br />Being created in the image of God, I wonder just how much I look like God. That has always been a curiosity to me. What exactly does it mean to be in the image of God? How much likeness do I have to Him? I can not control the basis of how I look like God any more than I can control if I favor my mother or my father. But my thoughts this morning have danced on the realization of what makes my family look similar to one another more than the shape of noses and location of eyes is the mannerisms of our actions. We favor because in spending time together in close proximity causes us to share sameness. This reflects to people who are viewing us. This is why I believe people will say, Emma and Jordon really look like (you, Nathan, Macy, Molly, Noah). We favor because we act alike. We act alike because we spend so much time together.<br /><br />In my journey of discipleship, I fear I am not spending enough time with God to allow myself to pick up on His mannerisms. Could this familial sameness apply to my spirtual family? Is the intimacy of living in family, being in constant contact and proximity a condition in being recognized as a child of God? I believe it could be so. I am an adopted child of God. I want to be recognized as his child. I want to challenge myself to be more intimately involved in relationship with Him. How great would it be to have someone say, "I see so much of your Father in you?"Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-41049081662494597762011-09-07T09:00:00.000-07:002011-09-07T12:18:50.614-07:00October 10October 10th is the birthday of Tanya Tucker, David Lee Roth, Brett Farve and the amazing Mario Lopez (that was a joke!). October 10th, the day Wayne Gretzky debutes in the NHL and the last day Joe Namath plays in the NFL. October 10--as you can see has very limited signifigance to the world at large, however it will be a very important day, at least this year for our family. <br /><br />October 10th is court day. There have been 3 court days since Emma and Jordon were introduced to us, but this one has some signifigance. We have been told the state of Kentucky will be suggesting TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) for the children. We have been told there is a possibility the judge could rule from the bench on that day the ultimate fate of the children. The judge could also take her time to make a decision, but we have been told there is little for her to consider. As always, the judge could say the TPR is premature and extend time to the parents. However, we have been told the likelyhood of this is small.<br /><br />I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing. I guess this makes me human. I can not stand the idea of a mother losing her children, but I understand that the welfare of the children dictates this is necessary. I can not stand the idea of what grief will lie ahead for Emma, who will most assuredly grieve her parents, but realize in so many ways she is fully invested in our life and considers Nathan and I her parents. I am not anticipating the moment I will have to tell her she will not be able to see her parents again, yet she has told me on more than one occassion she does not understand why she can't just be Emma Jones. I don't look forward to the conversations with Jordon as he grows older and begins to understand this part of his history. And to be honest, it scares the bejeezers out of me to be responsible for five little people all the time, everyday for the next forever. <br /><br />So prayer warriors, we have 1 month, 3 days to be praying this out. Please pray that the Lords will be done in all of this. Pray that the decisions being made on behalf of these kiddos by the powers that be will be wise, will be just, and will be made in the best interest of the kids. Please be praying for the five of us Joneses to be spending the next month communicating well with one another, prayerfully considering the next phase of this journey. Finally be praying for the birth parents who will be faced at a minimum with some very hard decisions to make and most likely with the realization they will lose their children. I can not imagine.<br /><br /><br />Blessings and thanksgiving.<br />SaraWelcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-37678422935349707492011-08-14T17:25:00.000-07:002011-08-14T17:32:56.703-07:00My DaddyAt the risk of looking like a real blogger, I am going to post twice in a single week. Well, actually since it is Sunday, I am posting twice in two weeks, but let's not get caught up in the details.
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<br />Today after our church services, we were standing around visiting with our church family and Jordon was standing near two boys that are Noah's age. Jordon looked at the first boy and then pointed at that boys father and asked, "That you's Daddy?" Ben replied yes with a smile. Jordon turned to the next boy and pointed at his father and quiried, "That you's Daddy?" Jack nodded yes with a smile. Jordon with a very huge smile on his face pointed at Nathan and said, "That's my Daddy."
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<br />Oh little boy, I hope so!
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<br />Last night, we celebrated my nephew Bradyn and Jordon's pending birthdays with a small family party. Jordon's biggest response was to a gift receipt at the bottom of a gift bag. The boy loves to hold the receipts. It's the small things. The funniest part of the evening however, was when he was holding a Rex the Dinosaur flashlight which roars when you turn the light on. He said, "Hey look, " and closed his own eyes with the flashlight pointed at himself. He pressed the button, the dinosaur would roar, he would throw his eyes open as startled as he could fake and then run with his hands in the air as if scared to death. This boy is truly the funniest person I have ever met!
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<br />Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-4362210269345343972011-08-12T22:20:00.000-07:002011-08-12T23:13:53.819-07:00Moments of SilenceIt has been months since I have taken the time to write and share the events of our lives as they relate to our journey of faith. I would like to say that there have been major mountains climbed, but we find the slow continual hills are the terrain of our lives right now.
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<br />Emma and Jordon:
<br />We have celebrated the one year mark of Emma and Jordon being a part of our family's story. July 14, 2011 was their anniversary as pseudo-Joneses. To say it has been an easy year would not be truthful. Honestly there have been many times I have doubted we were doing the right thing. On particular days, I would be ready to throw in the towel. But a quick dose of perspective and the mercy and grace of God has kept us going. Jordon will be celebrating his 3rd birthday with us in a couple of weeks. He had just been with us a month when he celebrated his 2nd. In this year he has changed so much. He is such a charming little boy with an acute sense of humor and a sweet and loving disposition. He is a bit selfish, as 3 year olds tend to be, and it could be said he was spoiled with the attention of three older siblings. Lucky for his long term character, Emma keeps him inline and humble. Today, the children had visitation with their parents. Jordon did not want to go. I fear he sees them as the people who give him Coke and treats every couple of weeks, and not as parents. Nathan and I took some time away and put Emma and Jordon into Respite Care, short term relief care for foster parents. When we brought them back to our house, they both said at different times, "It is so good to be back home." What a conflicting statement that is. My heart scarcely can think of the impact of this being home for these children. There is still so much uncertainty as to where they will finally be at home.
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<br />Emma is four and she has come such a long way in the past year. She is as sassy as they come and her desire to win approval often leads her into making less than desirable choices. It is hard to remember some days that this childs life has been turned upside down. It is hard to remember some days that this child has known more abuse, pain, trauma, and conflict than Nate and I have known in all our years combined. It is so easy to forget her past and just have her be ours, the little girl who lives with us, who is our daughter, who is loved and knows peace. Maybe somedays we expect too much of her, too much normalcy, too much appropriate behavior. It is far easier to think of her in terms of her life from July 15, 2010 until today than the three years preceding. But it is her history and the long term effects of those three years need to be appreciated and addressed. Emma, through counseling and a stable environment has and is overcoming many things. We are so proud of her and strive to remember to meet her where she is. My hearts desire is if you meet her you will not know of her troubled past, not because she is not facing it head on, but because she is growing comfortable in her personal history and not allowing it to define who she is and how she conducts her life. This is my prayer for her.
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<br />Having Emma and Jordon in our lives has been by far the most difficult part of mine. The children themselves, while bringing with them special challenges and issues, have been the least of the difficulties we have faced. More than anything, I am often riddled with doubt, self-pity, weariness, and frustration. How is it you mother children who have a mother? How is it you love a child as if they are your own, yet keep a comfortable distance to protect your heart? It can't be done. For to try is frustration and heartache daily. I proclaim to the world that it is a most un-natural thing to mother a child who has a mother living and involved with them. I have come to realize you have to just be their mother, come what may, because that little buffer that instinctively you place around your heart leaves just enough room for doubt, for bitterness. It leaves just enought room for statements like, "These are not my kids, I don't have to put up with this" and "I am over this!" In that buffer there is room for fear and resentment to grow. And the pain, the guilt, the aggravation of that day in and day out is much more painful than the possibility of the child being taken away. So I have reached the point where I am praying for my own selfish boundaries to be removed and where that fear has resided be run out with unconditional love.
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<br />The hardest mental burden of this has revolved around the Jones children. Through our decision to parent Emma and Jordon, they have been exposed to many things we hoped would be reserved for never or much later than now. Their own personal stories are effected by the time and energy we must devote to Emma and Jordon. Are we asking them to sacrifice too much? Are we meeting all of their needs? To count the nights I have laid awake with their best interest on my mind and sleep a stranger would require more digits than Nathan and I have combined. But then conversations happen like one tonight with Macy where she asked if I thought Emma and Jordon would go back to live with their mother. When I shared with her I was not sure, she said, "I don't want Emma and Jordon to go back, but sometimes I think they should go back because I think Emma is still so sad she cannot live with her Mommy. Maybe she would be much happier if she could just go back home." Oh that precious child. She inspires me to be more loving.
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<br />So what IS the long term prediction of how this story will play out? God knows. In July the children's official goal with the state of Kentucky was changed from "reunification with parents" to "permanent adoption". Sounds simple enough. This really means nothing in practical matters save the biological mother is being given one last chance to show large strides to regain custody of the children. The court will reassess the situation in October. It is our understanding that in October or in December (depending on the leniency of the courts to the Bio Mom), if these strides are not made, then the state of Kentucky will begin the process of removing the parental rights of the parents. We are not sure how long that could take but we have been told six months by more than one person. How it will all play out is still unpredictable. We have our opinions and we hear the opinions of those who may or may not be telling us what we want to hear to placate us.
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<br />I have become very self aware in this process. I am seeing my true nature and in many ways it has been humiliating and disappointing. I have prided myself in the past on my strength and energy, and I have come to realize they are very faulty. I have had more "doubting Thomas" moments on this journey than I care to admit, but I can testify to you with great faith that in each moment of doubt, God revealed Himself to me so clearly that I might believe. Mainly I have learned that I arrogantly thought that my willingness to take this journey of faith would give me a pass to an easy, peaceful journey. Who do I think I am? This journey is a journey of discipleship. Discipleship is looking like your leader and my leader is Jesus Christ. Who am I to think that I would not know pain, know rejection, be disappointed, feel enormous anguish. Who was I to want the benefits of discipleship without bearing the cross? While my faith has been tested and at times disbelief has been the battle winner, I find comfort in the realization that my God is victorious and has promised that on the other end of this journey is celebration and peace.
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<br />I have traditionally closed these entries with a prayer and the prayer of my heart at this point continues to be, "Your Will be Done." Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-84279141193418854192011-04-24T17:03:00.001-07:002011-04-24T17:04:37.819-07:00Easter SundayNoah was asked to give a short talk to his Bible study class this morning. Thought I would share:<br /><br />John 20:1-16 <br /><br />When God created man He put man in a Garden - The Garden of Eden must have been a beautiful garden. It was on high ground, with four rivers flowing through it. It had trees and plants everywhere. It also had The Tree of Life and The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. In the garden's rivers there was gold. In the ground there was silver. The fruit on all the trees where luscious and good to eat. It was, probably, the most wonderful and beautiful place on earth!<br /><br />In the garden, Man was able to talk and walk with God. Adam and Eve were able to talk to God face-to-face! Wouldn't it be just amazing to see and talk to God face-to-face? <br /><br />But after all the gladness, sin enters the world. God said not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, but Man disobeyed. Sin is the reason we die. Ever since Adam and Eve ate of the tree and sin entered the world and with it death. As a result of this sin we all die. In fact, death is a reality for all living things in this world. And as another punishment they were kicked out of the garden, the most wonderful place on earth!<br /><br />Winter, more than any other time of year, reminds us of the power that death has in our world. When winter comes the trees start to lose their leaves, the flowers lose their petals, the grass turns brown. Everything loses its beauty and begins to look dead.<br /><br />That is what sin does to us. We lose our beauty, the beauty of man created in the image of God. The end of this loss of beauty, is that we die. <br /><br />But we are in the season of Easter, in the season of spring. When I think of Easter, I think of when Jesus was risen from the dead.<br /><br />What is so special about Easter is that when Easter comes all the plants and trees bloom. In the winter all the plants are dead, but in the spring, they all come back to life. In the bible when I think of plants, I think of the Garden of Eden. The Garden of Eden was the place where Man could be with God. He could talk, face-to-face, with God. But since sin entered the world, man has been longing to get back to the garden. To have the face to face communion with God in the garden. To get back into Eden.<br /><br />So know we see that Jesus' tomb was in a garden. When Mary Madeline saw Jesus she thought he was the gardener of the garden. So, what John is trying to saying to us, is that because of the resurrection of Jesus, Man can be able to walk and talk with God, face-to-face, once again. It can be like we are back in the garden! <br /><br />So when I think of Easter I think of being dead one day then blooming the next, Jesus death and resurrection and of that sweet taste of chocolate bunnies .Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-24534466736636803022011-04-21T09:16:00.000-07:002011-04-21T13:34:27.626-07:00Molly Jones<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MaD8VOjp--s/TbCThcMqeyI/AAAAAAAAADI/h46gI9JJE6g/s1600/keep%2B25.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MaD8VOjp--s/TbCThcMqeyI/AAAAAAAAADI/h46gI9JJE6g/s320/keep%2B25.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5598136539535801122" /></a><br />Today is a day of rejoicing. My beautiful daughter, Molly, has decided to give her life to Christ through baptism. She will be baptized tonight and I have a heart so full that I wanted to take a moment to write down my thoughts. <br /><br />It is unimaginable to me how great our God is. I think about the sacrifice God made of his Son so that my daughter can live. Can you imagine it? My daughter has promises and blessings unending because of a God who desires a relationship with us. How can I not be full of praise? How can I not fall down in the awe of such a God?<br /><br />There are few people I have known that are more faithful than Molly. Molly is faced daily with special medical challenges that cause her to rely on her faith. It never fails that in the midst of these challenges, Molly will be the first to say, "I really think we need to pray." She recognizes that it is only through God we can be sustained and she relies on Him in a way that humbles me and encourages my own faith.<br /><br />For more than six months Molly has talked to Nathan and I about her faith, her hope in Jesus, her desire to be claimed by Him through the act of baptism. We, in our own weaknesses, detered her, but she stayed persistent. In fact, Nathan shared with me today that he feels we have made a huge error in judgement, by asking her to face her challenges without giving her the peace that she will receive by God's cleansing hand, we have added to her burden. We became that one who would be better to have a millstone around our neck, for we prevented OUR little child to come to Him. May we be forgiven. May we now lift her up to Him with boldness and thanksgiving.<br /><br />As a mother, the dreams and hopes I have for my children abound, but in the end the one thing I desire for them is the peace and comfort that comes from being in relationship with God. Tonight my biggest desire for Molly will be realized and I will be lifting my heart and hands in praise to My God, who is MIGHTY to save.<br /><br />God in Heaven, There are no words that can properly express the thankfulness, the fulness of joy, the overwhelming love that fills my heart. You, My Father, are extending Your Hands to my beautiful little girl, and my heart cries out, Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!<br />Because of Your Son, I rest with peace and hope for my daughter. <br />Amen.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-28266998135557360402010-10-04T20:24:00.000-07:002010-10-04T20:31:22.169-07:00October 4, 2010Do you ever find along your journey that your life is so full of moments that are hard to describe but when you add them all together it makes the magic of your life?Our journey is a bit like that right now. There are hundreds of moments passing by. They don't warrant a blog entry, but they are the letters making up my life. They are good. They are bad. They are perfect in their timing and their happening. Much of what is going on in our life is protected by the privacy laws of this government entity or that. I can only write vague generalities about the children who are in our care so I have not been writing much--at least for public viewing. But I feel compelled to tell you not a day goes by I do not see God in the faces of the five children who are placed in my care. There are no nights that pass I don't find myself concerned about their individual futures and their collective happiness. Their tears stain my life walk and their laughter brightens my days. They are doing well, they are growing, they are healthy and for now they are mine. <br /><br />The truth is I have no idea what the future holds for any of the children. But I have faith in a God who will love them through it all. And I know I am forever changed.Welcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8307683845667065353.post-24213114596555750162010-08-23T20:11:00.000-07:002010-08-23T20:32:42.176-07:00A Case for DignityMy son Noah is an amazing little boy. There are about a million things I love about him, but I think my very favorite part of him is his compassionate heart. Noah is not much of one to just notice a problem and not want to find a solution and so it is with a little organization he is getting off the ground called A Case for Dignity. You can check out his website ACaseforDignity.blogspot.com. The website was a school project we began at the end of the school year last year and he will actually be making a professional (non blogger) website this year with the help and direction of a friend who knows much more about these things than I.<br /><br />This year we have found that all things bureaucratic from adoptions to charitable organizations are slow, require a TON of paperwork and work to get you to quit before you get started by their very nature. Not wanting to lose momentum or heart, we chose to ask our church and our family to help us meet our goals. Noah set a goal of 60 bags filled to give to the Cabinet of Family Services to help the kids who will be removed from their home.<br /> <br />Members of our church donated the bags and supplies for 27 bags. My parents and Noah's Uncle Jason and Aunt Andee's efforts put him well over the 60 bag goal. Andee wrote me and let me know that there would be enough bags with the help of their friends to push Noah over his goal. When I told Noah, he stood with his mouth wide open and began to tear up. He was so moved by the support of our family and was so glad his desire to get bags to kids was going to be fulfilled.<br /><br />There are a lot of good people with giving hearts who are willing to pitch in and help everytime we have asked. There is nothing more faith affirming than to see people so freely giving of themselves, their expertise, their time and their resources.<br /><br />Noah has been able to sit at the feet of successful business men (Warren Guyer) to learn more about what he needed to do to get bags in bulk, he has sat with skilled artists (Mike Cary) and been allowed to develop a logo for stationary and printed materials. He has been given valuable information on developing and maintaining a user friendly website by a web developer (Matt Robison). He has had a ton of financial and resource support from our friends and our family. How blessed he is.<br /><br />Mainly I stand amazed at how one little 10 year old boy can have an idea and a God big enough to motivate the hearts of countless people to help children who are desperate for the help. As a citizen of the world and a christian I am so thankful for everyone who is helping to meet the need of those children. But as a Mom, I can not extend enough thanks for everyone who has taught my son, little ideas can make big differences, that there are good people all around you and that with a little faith, God can make very BIG things happen. <br /><br />My love and appreciation to everyone who is helping Noah with his goals. <br /><br />A VERY proud Momma.<br /><br /><br />Prayer for the Day:<br />Lord, I just want to praise you for all you do and for all the people you have placed in our path. Thank you for making big things happen for A Case for Dignity. May all the good that comes from this endeavor be for your Glory.<br /><br />Because of Jesus, AMENWelcomehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15971019213119397226noreply@blogger.com0