Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Officially back in the game

May 12, 2010. We are officially back in the business of actively pursuing adoption through the foster to adopt program in Kentucky. I think Nathan and I have reached a place of comfort and healing through our past disappointments. There are so many things that have happened since we lost the boys last fall. I believe we have been tested and tried to help us to determine just what we were doing, why we were doing it and how far were we willing to go. Many of these things are not meant for anyone else to read, but are etched in my soul and shared only with God and the man God has blessed me with.

We have received so many times what I like to call God whispers through this journey. Little things that are reminders of how God is in control and how He will lead us to where He wants us to go even if it is not the place we had set out for. I have learned so many things about God, myself, my amazing husband, about our marriage, our children, our family and our friends. In the days following the loss of the boys we were surrounded by our friends, giving us comfort...holding us up while we allowed ourselves to be angry and sad. I have learned how my faith can shake but not crumble. In the midst of my sadness for myself I was given the gift of knowing how well the boys were doing. I have been reminded of that gift over and over as different people in my life have come into the lives of the boys and report back how well they are. I believe we were a tool for the will of God to happen--for the boys to be in the home of who He wanted them to be in, and I have realized I can rejoice in being used as a tool even when it hurts and does not bring about my hearts desire.

In the winter months of this year, I have been working through my thoughts and emotions. In the midst of that exercise, it was suggested we should give a home to four little girls. This was nowhere in our plan--we preferred little boys, we preferred not four. This situation is a complicated one and in the end not meant for us, but such a gift to have experienced. In accepting the idea of four little girls joining our family Nathan and I really had to search ourselves and decide what we were doing. We were able to define our purpose.

As we move forward in this journey we move as different people than those who started it more than a year ago. We have grown and changed. We have learned we are strong and we are determined. I am excited to see what lies ahead. I am convicted in enjoying this journey--whatever the destination, because the journey has been well worth taking so far.

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