Thursday, August 13, 2009


I have been dreaming lately. I seem to dream in cycles. I guess I dream my most vivid dreams when I have a lot on my mind and when I am trying not to talk about what is on my mind. I guess my nature to express myself when denied is manifested in my dreams and voila--big, full color, can remember every detail the next morning dreams pour out of my tiny little brain. This week I have been continuously dreaming about the first week the boys come to stay with us. All week long, the same dream enters my sleepy world and continues into the next own little miniseries, I guess.

I am a bit leery of becoming so "sure" that these boys will be ours. There are still so many hurdles to overcome. We still need to get the state's official stamp approval, then there is the boy's caseworker, the boys themselves, and of course us. I guess it would not be a "Journey of Faith" if it was all a sure thing.

I remember being pregnant with Noah and because from the moment we realized we were expecting I was confident he was a boy and his name would be Noah, I felt so connected to him. I remind myself of how I had faith in that time of waiting that the end result would be Noah Jones...I did not know what he would be like or if he would be healthy. Truth be told I did not know if he would be born alive. I had faith he would. I believed he would. I had no reason to doubt.

With one of the miscarriages Nate and I experienced, I came to lose a bit of faith I once had. I had clear evidence that just because you are presented with the possibility of a child, does not always mean that the end result would be what you hoped for or what you expected. While I feel healing from the hurt we experienced, I do recognize the scar that was left on my heart. Sometimes my thoughts see that scar, just as my eyes see the scars on my legs, and I am reminded. I am reminded of how unified in crisis Nate and I became. I am reminded of how God held us as we clinged to Him in our sorrow. I am reminded that the only pain you really forget about is pain in the body, not the heart.

The truth is pain of the heart is not like pain of the body in any way. You burn yourself you learn, don't do that again. And if you are wise, you don't. In my experience, when you feel pain of the heart, you become more resolved to try again, because when something pains your heart you realize how worthy it is.

I know the name of these boys. And just like I knew Noah's name as he grew inside me, I can identify with them, I have come to know them even without meeting them. I have faith that they will be ours, even in the knowledge that there is a lot that could happen. I think maybe this is what God feels like when he thinks of Us. He knows our name. He recognizes we may not become His--amazing that he gives us the choice. But I imagine if I am hoping as I am for these boys, how much more He is hoping for me, and for you. How beautiful to know he wants me and that He knows my name.

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