Becoming a Jones

October 10th came and went with nothing to show for it. The only thing that happened that day was the birthparents of E and J received subpoenas stating the state of Kentucky was filing for Termination of Rights.

******FRUSTRATION**************

Now that I am a couple of weeks away from the absolute frustration the 10th brought into my life, I can tell you that it could be worse. Our family is still our family, the kids are still safe with us, and we know God is in control.

My problem is that I want to be in control too. Paperwork, inept caseworkers and etc all add up to a delay. We do not know a date for the end of this journey. We assume it will happen, but the truth is we don't know what is going to happen. This is very difficult for me. I am a doer. Maybe I am being taught to be a have faith-er (poetic license is my friend!). I like being a doer better. I need to get over myself. We hope to be subpoenaed soon. With that subpoena will come a date and at least a few answers.

I told my Mother the other day I am pretty excited about being subpoenaed. This has never happened to me before. I have visions of a pizza being delivered with the legal documents tucked away or a floral arrangement that needs to be signed for. Ridiculous I know. Most likely we will get a certified piece of mail. But I have entertained myself for days thinking of all the ways I would subpoena people if I were the subpoena deliverer. I think I may watch too much television. Maybe I am just a big nerd. Pick C for all of the above.

I digress, so we wait for the subpoena and we wait for a new date. Tick Tock....

At dinner the other night we had a conversation about names. Emma wanted to know everyone's full name. We went around and talked about our names. Jordon piped in and said, "My name is Jordon Mowhatavich-Jones." (To hear him pronounce his last name is pretty funny.) Emma said, "I want my name to be Jones too."

Friday after visitation, Nathan was at the courthouse to pick up the children. As they ran up the stairs with their gifts from their parents, the children yelled, "Daddy, Daddy look at our stuff." Nathan told E she needed to say goodbye to her Mom and she turned her head and said "BYE" and went immediately back into her conversation with Nathan. We are seeing such a change in her. I think she is as ready for this to be over as we are and although we may be biased, it seems she is done with her other life. At school, she is doing a unit on what is a family. She was asked by her teacher to draw a family portrait. When she brought it home she showed it to me. It was a picture of a family of 7. She said, "This is my family." and then went on to point out everyone in our family.

What lies ahead is for the subpoenas to arrive. Nate and I will testify as to the well-being of the children. We have been told the trial will most likely last no longer than a day. The judge will have 30 days from the end of the trial to make a ruling. From the ruling date, the parents will have another 30 days to file an appeal. While we are waiting for the appeal period to pass, we will be working with our caseworker to fill out all the adoption paperwork that will need to be done. Hopefully on the 31st day, if there is no appeal, we will have all of our paperwork completed and we can petition the court for an adoption date. I doubt this will happen by the end of this year, but I would love for it to. There are still a few things that could be problematic. We have to believe that all familial contacts have been exhausted and that there is not a blood related relative who will step up, be accepted by the state as a parental alternative. It is my understanding this has been done, but honestly my faith in the caseworker is shaky. Reality is the judge could just give the kids back to their parents, but I just can not imagine this will happen.

When we began this road with Emma and Jordon, I wrote a letter to their mother on this blog. I never sent that letter to her. I have told her face to face many of the things that were in that letter. Over the past 15 months, my attitude has changed towared her. Today I write her this letter.

Dear Birthmother,

It is a strange thing to be waiting for you to stop being my children's mother. I hate the feeling of waiting for you to fail enough. I wrestle with the feeling of guilt that I want you to fail. I am haunted by placing myself in your shoes and wondering what it would be like to know I could never see my children again.

I look into the eyes of these children and I burn with anger for you. Not only have you allowed these children to suffer and failed to protect their innocence, but you have become a source of pain for them. You refuse to do what you need to do to be their mother and yet you selfishly refuse to let them go. You have placed them, as well as my whole family in a state of limbo. You daily steal security and permanency from their lives. You comfort yourself in dollar store gifts for them and I have come to realize those gifts mirror your love for them, cheap, useless, and easily broken.

I have tried for more than a year to empathize with you; to understand your point of view. Yet, the truth is you don't live in the same world I live in. You live in a world of denial and self destruction. You live in a world where children are used as pawns for your own purposes. I no longer want to understand you. I no longer want
to be compassionate to your circumstances. Month after month, you look at these children and blatantly lie to them. Month after month, you to save face with them, fill them with false hope. You can not think of them enough to think what will befall them when they realize you have lied. And what you can not know, is that no longer do they mourn you, instead your inabilities are something they acknowledge as something totally disconnected from them.

You have the ability to give these children one last gift. The gift of removing them from the cycle of destruction that you are currently spinning in. You tell them you love them, and I have no problem believing you, for they are very lovable. The problem is you have loved them too little and loved things that could destroy them too much. My one wish is for you to give them the gift that requires you to truly be a mother, put them first. Let them go so they may feel the security of permanency that could be theirs.

It is because of you I am their mother. Your choices created my role. I will not be shy in advocating for their best interests. I will not compromise their well being for your feelings. You have chosen. Now I fight for them.

May you become well. May you find a way out of this life you have chosen.
Let them go,

Me.