A New Feeling

I have had the newest file at my house for three days and it has sat beside my computer upopened until last night. I am not sure why I did not rush to it and open it when Nate brought it home. I looked at the nice yellow expandable folder and then sat it down and walked away. I returned to it each day, put my hand on it, but then decided to do something else. If I Dr. Laura'ed myself with questions I am sure I could come up with some very profound reason I have put it aside, but for now I will just say I was not ready.

Last night, I took a drink, the folder and sprawled out across my bed ready to read all about this little boy. I dug into the first quarter of the package and found the pictures. There were three black and white photocopies of unposed pictures of a sweet little boy of 8 who needs a home. It helps me to have the picture sitting in front of me as I read all the information. The adoption packages seem to be anywhere from 200-400 pages (I have only read 3, Jeremy, Joshua and now this little boy's) of information. I read the who's, how's and why's of this little boy's life. I looked at all his pictures and I felt sad. Sad for this little boy who needs a home, sad that red flags were popping up in this folder for me, sad that I don't feel like our home will be the home for this little boy. I began to feel a new feeling--I am not sure what to call it, but it is not comfortable...it stems from saying no to a child who needs a home. I have not prepared in this whole process to say no to a child...and it makes me feel very guilty. I feel certain that we are not the home for this particular boy. Nate and I made a very clear boundary of what we felt we could introduce to our home, knowing our first priority is the children we have now. This child falls outside the boundaries we have set.

I know our children are out there and we must be patient waiting for God to bring them to us... I am praying for the patience and the wisdom we need to make the right decisions in this journey. I feel certain God knows our hearts and will guide us.

Prayer for the day:

God you know the desires of our hearts. Please read our hearts and guide us in the direction we should go. We lift ourselves up to you. Please give us wisdom. Please help us with our patience. We love You, we trust You, we want to do Your will.

In Him, Amen

Starting Over

Our meeting with Fonda went well. We discussed our new perameters, we discussed what options we have and we agreed to look at a new file. All in all we are just starting all over. I feel good about it.

Prayer for the Day:
Let love and faithfulness never leave me;
bind them around my neck,
write them on the tablet of my heart.

Then I will win favor and a good name
in the sight of You and man.

I will Trust in You with all my heart
and lean not on my own understanding;

in all my ways I will acknowledge you,
and You will make my paths straight

Tomorrow

It has been an emotional day. Just when I think I am over the hump, emotion hits me when I am not expecting it. At church today I realized I am mourning the loss of the boys, but also I am struggling with doubt for the first time in my life. I have never had trouble believing, I have not always acted as a believer should, but I have always had a simple faith, it came easy to me. I guess maybe it is not a lack of faith, but a lack of trust. This lack of trust or faith or whatever it is, is making me feel horrible. I feel guilty, but it is what I am feeling. I keep praying, "Lord I believe, forgive my unbelief." But the nagging lack of trust is adding to the emotional tsunami that hits me. I want to trust. I need to trust. I don't want to be sad anymore.....my eyes hurt.

A guest speaker had us close our eyes today before we closed in prayer and said take a moment and see what your next step in your relationship with God is....I sat there with my eyes closed, visualizing and all I saw was nothingness. He spoke of how no matter your hurt, no matter your addiction, your problem, Jesus was wanting to heal you, love you, sustain you....and all I could think was, "Yeah, but..."

I have thought of this all night. I feel like I am wrestling the devil and he has me pinned down...but I am going to fight and I think the only way to win is by letting go. I think I am still holding on to my wants and not just letting go and feeling the comfort of God. Instead of drawing near to him, I have been angry he did not intervene--even when I have prayed that if this was not in our or the boys best interest it would be defeated. Once again I want to be in control and now in this moment I want to be in control of God. He did not do what I wanted Him to do, so I have pushed Him away and have dealt with this grief on my own. Not wise. I think my last entry I even said, "I have decided to feel better." as if I can control the length of my grief, the depth of my hurt. Why do I want to deal with this alone? I keep thinking of the song "HELD" and I want to say "this is what it means to be held." But I have to let go of me to feel that comfort. Why do I hang on?

Tomorrow FW is coming to talk with us about the "what next". I am scared.

Prayer for the day: "Lord I believe, forgive me my unbelief. If I let go, will you catch me? I need your comfort. I need your peace. Please let your Spirit come upon me and renew me again. I know you are able to accomplish what concerns my heart. Lord, entreat me to let go of my control and fall into your hands. I am scared. I want to move forward. Lord let my life be for your glory. Because of Jesus, Amen.

Moving on

Yesterday I decided would be the last day I would feel sorry for myself. A convenient run of some sort of sickness allowed me to stay a guest at my own pity party longer than I really wanted to stay. But I am feeling better both in my heart and in my body. I am resolved to move forward. Our goal was for Jeremy and Joshua to have a home and family, they have that, objective met. Time to move on to the next goal. Nathan tried to call FW yesterday to get the ball rolling again. It was Veteran's Day and there was no one in the office. He will try again today. We did not make many decisions about things since we were matched with Jeremy and Joshua even before we were approved through the state. I look forward to exploring what our options are now.

Prayer for the Day:

Father God, Thank you for comfort. Thank you for being big enough and loving enough to be with us when we are expressing our hurt and anger to you. Our hearts are sad, but our resolve is renewed and we again give ourselves over to you and your guidance. Lord give us faith. Forgive us our disbelief. We love you and give ourselves over to you fully for your purposes.
In the name of Jesus,
Amen.

week

It has been one week. I am sitting at my Mom's house, enjoying a house full of diversions, a concert and date with my hubby last night, good company and pampering, but my head is still full and my heart still aches and I have reached the really, really, really mad part of the grieving scale. Nate and I have been discussing that one of the stated objectives in the classes to become foster/adopt parents was for us to become experts at understanding loss....uh, check.

I received a very supportive email from FW today. I know she is very upset by the way all of this had worked out, and it means a lot to us she is working with us, and really cares for us.

I continue to pray the boy's foster parents change their mind. I know some may think me selfish, but it is my constant prayer. I first and foremost want what is best for the boys and for our family...but my heart earnestly desires for us to be what is best for each other. I would appreciate you joining my in this prayer.

Thank you with all my heart for your words of encouragement and love...they are a warm comfort while we are in this cold place.

Trials

I guess a journey of faith must require tests, trials, hiccups in the road to truly be a faith quest. We have this past weekend felt the weight of trials as we have learned that each journey will have it's own detours. Wednesday, we met with the people who are involved in Joshua and Jeremy's world. The foster parents, the caseworkers and us. In the two hours we met and learned all there is to know about the boys, the emotional anguish of the foster family was more than apparent. This couple love Joshua and Jeremy with the depth that comes from raising two little boys for two years. Nathan and I were emotionally exhausted as we were divided to another room to speak with our caseworker. The first question I asked as the door shut was, "Are they going to be able to let these boys go?" We were assured they have had months to make the decision to keep the boys and they had continually said they were not willing. We saw pictures of the boys from their infancy on, we found a little piece of artwork that said, "God Makes Families." We told our caseworker we were more convicted than ever that these were our boys. We left with the month of November full of visits and plans signed by us and the foster family.My heart was full of love and joy, but my brain was tired and I typed the words "Emotionally Exhausted" to my dearest friends.

I guess on the 29th, we prepared ourselves to meet the boys for the first time--we were nervous about the awkwardness of meething with the distraught foster parents, but overwhelmed with excitement to meet the boys...our boys. I went to Walmart to make an activity bag of toys, puzzles and books for us to take with us. I anguished over each purchase, would they like this, would they like us--as if each gift was a piece of us they would accept and love or reject and dislike.

We woke up early on Friday, Nate went into work early so he could take the afternoon off to meet our boys. I got up showered and sat in my closet--what to wear, what to wear....then the phone rang. When Noah said, "Mommy, it's Miss Fonda," tension feeled my heart....the knowledge of what she was going to say came to the surface of my heart and when she began to talk, I knew before she uttered the words what she was going to say "The foster family can not give up the boys. They are going to adopt them. My knees grew weak and I could hardly respond as my heart began to churn. I am on a see saw of practicality and emotion "This is what is best for the boys. It is all about the boys. This is the only home they know. Those people are who they know as Mommy and Daddy"...up....."Those are my boys....who are they to take my boys...they had their chance, those selfish, selfish people. They can not love these boys as much as we can. Why is this happening?".....down......


I am overwhelmingly disappointed. My head is reeling in the aches and whys and what nows....but we are not defeated. We know God has a plan.

Prayer for the day:

Why God? Why did this happen? Why were we given this gift just to have it torn from us? We do not understand. We want to understand. Help us understand. I know God you can change hearts and minds and our prayer is you change the heart of this family. Bring our boys back to us. We want to provide them a home, we want to share with them the blessings you have provided. We know you know what is best and if it is best for the boys to stay in their current home, we will respect that, but our desire is for them to be with us. We know you can make that happen. Lord, give us peace. Give us directon. Show us your glory Lord. We love you, we fear you and we know you are in control--even when what we see around us makes no sense.

In the name of Jesus we pray...Amen.